Mar 07, 2017, 02:35PM

The Dude’s Guide to #ADayWithoutAWoman

Your day is planned.

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Obviously, men are excluded from the March 8th protest “A Day Without A Woman,” in which women across America are going to stay home from work to protest perceived unfairness in the treatment of the sexes. According to statement from organizers: “We ask: do businesses support our communities, or do they drain our communities? Do they strive for gender equity or do they support the policies and leaders that perpetuate oppressions.”

So how should you spend 24 hours March 8 if you're a man? Below, a guide.


6 a.m.—Arise. Spend extra time in the bathroom showering and shaving. Play with the dog. Give him an extra biscuit.

6:30—Rub one out with the 1994 copy of Playboy you usually keep hidden in the back of the closet.

7:00—Fruit Loops for breakfast.

7:30—Arrive at work 30 minutes early, due to light traffic.

8:00—Spend 55 minutes with some bros in the office, talking football, Andrew Dice Clay, Milo Yiannopoulis, and who the hottest female football commentator is. Play “Who Would You Do” with the ladies from The View.

8:55—Scratch yourself.

9:00-12 p.m.—Work uninterrupted by the usual 10:30 phone call from your mother-in-law.


12:30—Lunch at Hooters. You suspect, correctly, there will be no women’s strike there.

2:00—Lunch at Hooters.

3:00—Cut out early to see Logan, but not before going online to buy two tickets for Opening Day.

5:00—Stop at your favorite deli to pick up an Italian sub and a cigar.

5:30—Arrive home. Play with the dog. Eat the sandwich while relaxing on the sofa and watching ESPN. Smoke cigar.


6:00 p.m.—Go into the basement and clean off the drafting table which hasn’t been used in years. Recall that before taking the office job to support your wife, you wanted to be Frank Lloyd Wright. Find some paper and start drawing. Think about quitting your job.

8:00—You spot an old copy of The Sun Also Rises in the corner. It was your favorite book in college. Take it upstairs with you.

8:05—Strip naked in the kitchen, do three push-ups, then walk around the house singing, loudly and off-key, “Pour Some Sugar on Me.”

9:00—Flip through the channels for boner fuel. Lose your motivation when landing on The Rachel Maddow Show.

9:05—Read Hemingway and fall asleep.



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