Dear Mr. Mills: Forgive me for emailing you out of the blue like this. I got your email address from the messages you sent your daughter Lisa about how sorry you are for leaving your wife and kids 20 years ago, which she forwarded to me to illustrate how terrible you are. I must admit, you did come across as a bit insane. I’m sure your apology was heartfelt, but citing your ex-wife’s lack of faith in Jesus as the reason you left, well, that just doesn’t seem very Christian of you.
You did know she was Jewish when you married her, right? You didn’t mention the woman you immediately moved in with after leaving your wife and daughters, but I assume she’s a believer? Funny thing about that—one of the reasons your daughter hates you so much is because you cheated on her mom, but it looks like the apple didn’t fall far from the tree! That’s right—your little girl is about as faithful as an Italian politician. She’s also gay, which you probably didn’t know because your only contact with her over the past two decades are those loony emails and the messages you left on her voicemail at work. She played me those messages, and I’m curious, were you drunk? You sounded drunk. Your daughter didn’t respond because she loathes you, but I am here to tell you not to give up. I take it you got her contact information from the Internet? You should probably try her at home instead of the office. The number is unlisted, but because I think she deserves to have her father in her life, I’m going to give it to you. Don’t tell her where you got it. Good luck!
Dear Mr. Jones: I am writing you to seek a reference for one of your employees, Lisa Mills, who applied for a job with my company. She didn’t mention she’s job-hunting? Sounds like a communication issue. What would you say are Lisa’s strengths? Her weaknesses? Any insight you have is much appreciated. Thanks!
Dear Samantha: Hey, girl! How are things in the trailer park? Looks like you’re doing pretty well from Facebook. I love the portraits of you, Dave, and the kids. Did you get them done at Olan Mills? Something about your matching denim outfits just screams “mall photo,” LOL! Your sister was always saying you are the only “white trash Jew” she knows, which I thought was a bit harsh, but I think she was trying to be funny? We all know “sense of humor” doesn’t exactly top the list of “Great Things About Lisa.” Sometimes it’s funny when she has a few too many drinks and passes out on the toilet with her pants around her ankles (LOL!) but I don’t think she’s gotten a punchline right since the car wreck. She told me not to tell you about it, but really, you should know when your sister runs her car into a tree on the way home from the bar and sustains minor head trauma, right? Thankfully, she only got charged with a DUI instead of “attempted vehicular homicide” even though I’m pretty sure she was trying to kill someone that night… me! Good thing I never get in a car without buckling up, LOL! Anyway, just wanted to check in and see how everything is going with you. Give the kids a hug from their favorite former aunt! Take care!
Dear Adrian: Wow! Things really have changed since you were the best butch at my wedding. I’ll never forget that great toast—reading from those emails I sent you about how I finally found “the one” was a nice touch and I don’t think there was a dry eye in the place! I know I certainly teared up, especially when you looked at me and said, “You are the luckiest person in the world. I would do anything for a woman like Lisa.” You weren’t exaggerating about that, were you? You hardly waited till the honeymoon was over before you started sexting my wife, which I know because I accidentally checked her text messages every night after she went to sleep.
These last few weeks haven’t been easy, what with her kicking me out of the house we bought together and all, but I’m just glad the two people I care most about in the world were able to find happiness in each other. You might think I’d be angry, but I swear, I’m not! In fact, because I love you guys so much, I want to tell you about a little problem Lisa has. I didn’t discover this until we’d been together for a while, and my hope is that by arming you with this knowledge, you’ll be able to avoid any unpleasantness that could arise in the future. Ready? Three words, my friend: chronic bacterial vaginosis. It’s not the end of the world or anything, but she hates sex when she’s having a flair-up, and she has a lot of them. I mean, A LOT. But what’s the big deal, really? Lesbian bed death happens to all of us eventually. Hope you’re enjoying my house! Make sure she remembers to change the air filters every few months, would you?
Dear Mormons: Do you take requests? I know a soul that needs saving! Please send missionaries ASAP. See address below.