Jun 06, 2014, 09:25AM

Human Host's Guide to the Rules of Life

To Orbogg Aggleberger’s drug tunnel.

Screen shot 2014 06 06 at 9.24.08 am.png?ixlib=rails 2.1

It’s been said that if you just straighten up, fly right, and follow all the rules then you’ll be guaranteed great success no matter what you do.
But we here at Human Host wanted to know exactly what the heck those rules are and how many of those rules exist (FYI: there are fourteen), and how the rules apply to everyday life.

Research on this matter led us to many interesting and helpful conclusions which we now will share with you, dear reader, in hopes that they will illuminate your way as you travel the long and perilous road to personal fulfillment.

  • Before eating a chocolate candy bar remember to let it sit in the hot summer sun for at least 1 to 2 hours then open up its wrapper and carefully apply the melted chocolate to your face, arms, hands, and forehead.
  • When someone bumps into you by accident and then says, “Excuse me!” you must reply by saying, “The fertility spirit will guard you for as long as Earthly passions decorate the gates of Avalon.”
  • When you give someone a French kiss always remember to get the nose, eye sockets, and ears. Avoid the mouth at all costs.
  • If you see some garbage blowing around in the wind you must shout “Jalabazalongaaa!” while dance-chasing the debris in a ballet style.
  • When diffusing a violent situation, a 50-gallon drum filled with hot bubbling marinara sauce and fried calamari must be present and open throughout the entire peace keeping process.
  • In order to get a driver’s license you must light a croissant on fire while chanting, “Where’s the bathtub?”
  • The proper way to care for a pile of detached eyeballs must remain a secret until you know that you’re going to heaven.
  • If you’re out on a date you cannot ever mention anything about the weird feeling that Tammy Bongo emits.
  • A toothless space rat must chaperone the adults-only FunBQ.
  • When buying precious stones and metals you must enter the market place wearing only a freshly unfurled burrito.
  • To become a pro-surf boarder you must pay a prostitute to hold an ice cream cone up to a bare light bulb attached to a lamp plugged into an outlet at the corner of Demon Birth Avenue and Ogre Lust Garth.
  • To prevent forest fires and other disasters you must soak a rag in linseed oil then tie it to a wooden pole and then wave it around in the air every time you see a remote control toy race car.
  • Parents, before you send your child off to school, you must touch Misha, the flaming brain creature who levitates in Orbogg Aggleberger’s drug tunnel.
  • Music can only be performed in public with expressed written consent from The Pregnant Slug of Eternal Reverie.

Register or Login to leave a comment