Dec 07, 2012, 02:08AM

Hey, 2005? Your Meme Is Calling

Learning to hate the Internet.

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And that trick, you know? Of starting a long sentence that you can’t manage and then turning the first part into a question? And the end into a statement? It’s tired. Like, really tired. Very tired. Breaking it into several questions and then one statement? Still tired. Sentence fragments after the statement? Tired. Exhausted. Hyphenated-string-of-words-to-create-a-humorous-modifier exhausted. Starting-the-paragraph’s-final-sentence-with-“Yes”-a-comma-and-then-restating-the-paragraph’s-beaten-to-death-assertion exhausted. Yes, that exhausted.

Hey, 2005? Your meme is calling. Get into the weeds. Shorter generic liberal blogger: I’m angry and don’t understand syntax. Teh gay, it burns!... The stupid, it burns. There, fixed. Awesome sauce, the Villagers have held their grand powwow and declared that all the Very Serious People must use Abundant Capital Letters to convey irony. Line of dialogue from The Simpsons during the Clinton era.

That gerund-employing, chain-of-modifiers-involving, consumer-items-invoking, would-be rant directed at middle-class liberals? Meh. Just breathtakingly meh. Worst. Recycled. Gimmick. Ever.

Further useful phrases. Stay classy, concern troll! A smart take on entitlements “reform.” That whole coherence thing? Whatever. Smackdown. Beatdown. At a time when [minor incident involving identity politics] and [another minor incident involving identity politics] and [another minor incident involving identity politics], why behave “reasonably ” regarding [another minor incident involving identity politics that is in no way the responsibility of the person being addressed]?

Pearl clutching. Fainting couch. Smelling salts. Oh noes! Luke Russert. Snarky. My head's exploding. Snarky again. Wow, couch an accusation as a question with “much” at the end much? I’m curious. Buehler? Buehler? Really? Seriously? Because, Muslims.

Confidence Fairy. Talking point. Jeebus! Luke Russert is very annoying. Also too, eh. This is very concerning. “Align yourself with a feminist identity.” Abstract noun trumps other abstract noun. “What is our real investment in celebrity fertility?” “Lending pedigreed intellectual credence.” A whole lot of fail. A whole lot of verb used as noun.

Relish. Glee. Bliss. Elixir. We relish the prospect of Rethuglican fail on this issue. The prospect of Rethuglican fail on this issue uncorks in us a blissful elixir of unbridled glee. Really? Seriously? Cringe. Facepalm.

You keep using that word. I don't think it means what you think it means.

Comments thread. I didn't read the author's post, but here's a penis joke. I didn't read your comment, but you are obviously an idiot. I will scald you with my blissful elixir of burning sarcasm. I will shrug off your burning sarcasm with a declaration of my frozen indifference. I will make another penis joke. I went to graduate school. I went to graduate school too, and I read more books. You misspelled “Wilfrid Sellars.” Allow me to make this point at length—you misspelled “Wilfrid Sellars.” Nevertheless, the fact remains—you misspelled “Wilfrid Sellars.”

Penis joke. Offhanded dismissal of canonic literary/philosophical/political figure. Recital of grievance from long-past encounter with an academic, family or workplace authority. Vagina joke!

Tedious personal feud. Nitpicking rebuttal. Tortured attempt at piss-elegant smash serve involving “bliss,” “glee,” “elixir” and “relish.” Also, too, “uncork.”

Line of dialogue from The Simpsons during the Clinton era. Another line of dialogue from The Simpsons during the Clinton era. Heated complaint about Family Guy, along with (sorry, “coupled with”) retelling of a joke from Family Guy. Further contemporary cartoon references. “Sometimes I feel so alienated from contemporary American life. It's like when Mr. Mackey's head inflates like a balloon on South Park and just floats away.”

Summing up. Wow. Just wow. Facepalm. Jeebus!


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