Sep 26, 2019, 06:28AM

Emster Steps on a Nail

Walking “the Canadian way” can be dangerous.

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When I was a kid once dad was reading something I gotta assume Stephen King wrote and reading the cover I asked him, "Dad? What is a saga?" and he said, "A saga is… a bunch of crap". He must’ve been hungover. Anyhow, did not wear shoes in a friend’s house (the Canadian way) and now I’m getting a tetanus shot. The nail got me... Damn ass nail... Put a nail through my foot (my beautiful foot). This is definitely a song about putting a hardwood nail through your fucking foot.

Foot sex guys: are suture scars like sexy looking? Yes my cool new Doc Martens bondage Tevas are set to arrive tomorrow. Yes in light of recent events my erotic foot Snapchat will sadly not be returning. Why didn’t they put a metal plate in my foot? I guess I could attempt to tan around my tetanus shot Band-Aid like the hot jirls did with their like Playboy bunny stickers in like the 1990s. In order to fill the time off my feet.

Using crutches is not unlike manipulating a set of chopsticks. (I’m apprehended on my fucking crutches by alluring CHiPS show actor Erik Estrada—this was the wrong way for me to observe Canada Day, ponch.) The matter of how I got ketchup on my crutches is not of your concern, Dolores. What about if when struggling on crutches, cos now I am as an inspiration. Congratulations Em, once again you have turned chicken shit into chicken salad. The thing about The Baltimore Sun that no one can deny is that my subscription has kept me in stitch-protecting foot bags. Get to pilot a golf cart on account of foot wound. Foot wound is good. No offense, but I do believe that my foot injury awakened an age old and formidable curse.

Foot wound reveal at 1,000 Twitter followers. Convalescing on the dining room sofa safely! Rolo dragged his fuck fish right into my foot fall in fronta the front door… what could this mean? Do you think that it’s been long enough since foot wound for me to enjoy a babyfoot brand peeling footmask? I would ask my doctor but I do not wish to appear vainglorious. On (to the tune of “Buffalo Soldier”) prophylactic antibiotics 'til stitches out on Wednesdee. I guess if I attended a cost company store at this time I’d be like legally allowed to use one of them wheelie chairs. That song "Hey Jealousy" came up on the radio just like right when I wanted it to so I guess that it can definitely like be your lucky day also. I’m writing a check to the health insurance company which takes eight percent of my income and when I put a flooring nail through my foot covered not so much as a Band-Aid.

Baby I’m offa these gd antibiotics and getting these gd stitches out tomorry morning so you know I’m about to be a whole lot better! Emster time (time for Emster) oh behave!

—Follow Emma Wenzel on Twitter: @whorevidal


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