Apr 10, 2015, 10:00AM

Ask Human Host (#5)

A confused teen, workplace homophobia and race relations.

Smoking graffiti.jpg?ixlib=rails 2.1

The unstoppable advice storm known as Human Host just hit the coast of self-doubt going full blast, bringing with it a torrent of angst-crushing logic.

If you seek preparation for the mystifying joy flood (and/or if you need advice from HH), please send your cards and letters to:

Ask Human Host
2440 Lorillard Place
First Floor
Bronx, NY 10458

Let’s see what the awesome help forecast has in store for the latest crop of troubled souls, the first of which is a mind bending mystery teen…

I’m a 17 year old kid from a big American city, so I’m pretty open minded. However, I feel really uncomfortable when some of my crazier friends try to get me to do crazy stuff with them. Cocaine, pills, skinny dipping, orgies, etc. my friends love all this stuff, but it just drives me up the wall! How can I get them to stop putting on the peer pressure and accept the fact that I’m a laid back person who doesn’t need sketchy hobbies?


Dear Mystery Teen,

Oh if we had a dollar for every time the young Host had to face the perils of peer pressure?!

The best way to deal with this is to compromise: physically abstain from engaging in all the debauchery while mentally taking part in it. In other words, use telepathy to become a spiritual hedonist. In this way, you can have all the debauched fun you want without any of the problems that often plague the wild side of life. For an easy transition into spirit form, just grab a hold of a Sorceress’ Diamond (available for purchase at most bodegas and discount department stores throughout the U.S., Mexico, and Central America) then read the lyrics to "Silent Night" aloud in a Bulgarian accent after inhaling helium from a weather balloon while standing on top of a 1954 Starr Streem trailer at the beginning of Barnacle-Face Tina’s Obscene Resurrection (a medically induced video created by The Zoroastrian Toddlers From Plexatron B).


I have a prestigious office job working as a high paid administrator, so I have a lot of say in how we hire and fire people.

The sales guys in our company are an ultra-macho crew of ex-jocks with degrees in finance, trust funds, WASP-ish families, etc. I understand that it takes a really specific kind of personality to work in sales and these guys fit that profile to a tee, but sometimes their jock mentality really gets on my nerves. You see, Human Host, I’m a 34-year-old gay man and I often over hear the sales team casually dropping slurs like "fag" and "pansy," and using insults like "c_cksucker." Something must be done to teach these guys that homophobic language isn’t acceptable. How can I make our work place free from hate speech without firing the whole sales team?


Offended in Oswego



Some people say that you are a combination of a goblin, a wizard and a space gopher. Bearing that in mind, homophobia is the least of your problems. As a matter of fact, jooby ooby doobelee goo in the mornin’ time with leprechaun fence menders spewing out the guts of a song beast. Tales from the Ejection Zone confirm the spray level for all who deem love to be an old leftover that travels through time and ingestion while distracted by math makers and trumble glide. It’s a braille–cain-oh.


The problems involving race relations in our society are really getting me down. Police beatings, inequity in the work place, public health issues, the list of issues facing people of color seems to be endless, and powerful white people of priviledge seem barely affected by these things, they just care about themselves and no one else. 

HH, what can the world can do to destroy racism and apathy forever?

Heartened in Henderson



Purple dragons are yummy, or “Almha noggin bunch at the trading post.” Oooorrrggoooowaaghh(!)


Register or Login to leave a comment