Aug 24, 2011, 05:04AM

Analyzing The Redskins’ Schedule

The author takes a hard look at the Redskins schedule, and then turns his face away as quickly as possible from the overwhelming shame.

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Each year the NFL releases their schedule and each year complete idiots stop paying attention to baseball season to assign wins and losses to each game. It’s as stupid a waste of time as I can come up with. With that in mind, lets run through the upcoming Redskins schedule and assign wins and losses to each game!  Yay!

Week 1: New York Giants

Pick: Giants (0-1)

Game Notes: Eli Manning throws eight potential interceptions, all dropped by Redskins defenders. After each one the players hold the first two fingers on each hand aloft in tribute to #22, former teammate Carlos “Butterfingers” Rogers. At the end of the half Manning throws a Hail Mary that is caught for a touchdown. The TV announcers spend an inordinate amount of time verbally blowing him. After throwing 15 consecutive incompletions, the game is halted and John Beck is given a plaque to commemorate his atrocious performance. In post-ceremony speech, Beck refers to himself as “The luckiest man on the face of the Earth.”

Week 2: Arizona Cardinals

Pick: Cardinals (0-2)

Game Notes: Beck is yanked from the game after failing to complete any of his first 10 passes. Rex Grossman comes in and completes his first pass, an interception returned for a touchdown. Grossman is given a standing ovation. Kevin "If The Over/Under On When Chris Berman Uses The Nickname "Corn On The" Is Two Weeks Or More, Take The Under" Kolb plays fine. Somewhere in San Francisco Carlos Rodgers drops his first interception of the season. I set my watch.

Week 3: @ Dallas Cowboys

Pick: Cowboys (0-3)

Game Notes: Tony Romo throws five touchdown passes, four directly over the head of DeAngelo Hall who, on the fourth one, seems to wave. In post-game interview, Hall predicts Redskins will win Super Bowl. The Redskins running backs earn 155 yards horizontally. 

Week 4: @ St. Louis Rams

Pick: Rams (0-4)

Game Notes: Redskins run their losing streak to four, as the Rams drive down the field to score the winning touchdown as the fourth quarter expires. During the final drive, Redskins linebacker Brian Orakpo is, in order, held, held, tackled, tied up, held, mauled by a bear, duct taped, held, buried alive, held, tarred and feathered, drawn and quartered, and held. No penalties are called. 

Week 5: Bye Week

Week 6: Philadelphia Eagles

Pick: Eagles (0-5)

Game Notes: Michael Vick is indicted in a Cat Fighting Ring. However, since Vick was never actually able to get the cats to wake up long enough to fight, the charges are dropped. Down 31-0 in the second quarter, the Redskins go three and out. They leave the field to a chorus of boos. Shanahan assures Dan Snyder fans are actually saying, "BoooYayRedskins!" Up 48-3 in the third quarter, Andy Reid enjoys a sixth ham sandwich. 

Week 7: @ Carolina Panthers

Pick: Redskins (1-5)

Game Notes: Redskins running backs gain 18 yards on 17 carries. After the game Mike Shanahan praises them for “establishing the run.” Redskins score only touchdown of the game when, after a blocked field goal attempt, the following three unlikely events occur: 1) the ball becomes lodged in kicker Shayne Graham’s face mask; 2) while running in circles screaming obscenities and punching himself in the face in vain attempt to dislodge the ball, Graham, who is deathly allergic to bees, sees a yellow jacket; 3) the creature chases a screaming, urinating Graham into the end zone at a speed which would get him drafted in the first round. After the game the Redskins attempt to give him a contract extension. He retires instead.

Week 8: @ Buffalo Bills

Pick: Redskins (2-5)

Game Notes: By an obscure NFL by-law, 12 paying fans are required to be in attendance or the game will be cancelled. Surprisingly, a Bills/Redskins football game in Toronto, Canada draws only 11. Fortunately Bills fan Luke Grant brought his dog, Turdy, who is allowed into the stadium so game can continue. This violates Canadian health code and game is shut down anyway. Fans of competent sports everywhere rejoice.

Week 9: San Francisco 49ers

Pick: 49ers (2-6)

Game Notes: Carlos Rogers returns a John Beck pass for a touchdown, visibly taunting the Redskins as he goes by. This would have been humiliating had Rogers not actually dropped the interception and run down the field cradling an imaginary ball. Of John Beck’s 15 passes, eight glace off some part of Carlos Rogers. Ah, memories.

Week 10: @ Miami Dolphins

Pick: Dolphins (2-7)

Game Notes: Rex Grossman is injured when all five of his offensive linemen are knocked on top of him simultaneously. As John Beck can’t be found, wide receiver Malcolm Kelly comes on as the emergency quarterback. This marks Kelly’s first appearance on the field this season. Many Redskins fans join me in a good cry. It is later learned Beck was in the laundry room with the lights off “studying the playbook.” 

Week 11: Dallas Cowboys

Pick: Cowboys (2-8)

Game Notes: Dan Snyder sues the Cowboys for slandering his franchise. The slander: printing Redskins 2-8 record in media guide. With the Cowboys win over their bitterest rival secure, Jerry Jones instructs his man-servants to help him prepare to smile. 

Week 12: @ Seattle Seahawks

Pick: Seahawks (2-9)

Game Notes: Somewhere, a child is smiling, somewhere there is happiness, and somewhere Carlos Rogers just dropped a pick-six. Fortunately that isn’t the Redskins problem anymore. So, you know, cross one off a list the size of War and Peace.

Week 13: New York Jets

Pick: Jets (2-10)

Game Notes: The Redskins bring Clinton Portis out of retirement. Portis carries 10 times for negative 11 yards wearing a tutu and Groucho glasses. Crowd shows approval by leaving more slowly than usual. To fire his team up for game, Rex Ryan eats a human baby. The Jets score four touchdowns in first quarter and cruise to victory. 

Week 14: New England Patriots

Pick: Patriots (2-11)

Game Notes: The Patriots show up in DC with a split-squad. Albert Haynesworth sacks John Beck 10 times. The final five consist of Beck screaming, throwing the ball up into the air and running in the opposite direction. Tom Brady goes 18-19 for 350 yards and four touchdowns. He’s replaced by Tom Brady’s cleft chin, which throws for another 208 yards and three touchdowns.

Week 15: @ New York Giants

Pick: Giants (2-12)

Game Notes: Every pass Eli Manning makes bounces off a Redskins defender. Manning throws for 420 yards and six touchdowns

Week 16: Minnesota Vikings

Pick: Vikings (2-13)

Game Notes: Controversy swirls around Donovan McNabb when he does nothing wrong and speaks graciously.

Week 17: @ Philadelphia Eagles

Pick: Eagles (2-14)

Game Notes: Having already clinched home field advantage, the Eagles sit their entire roster, including the coaching staff. After a tough four quarters the Redskins fall to an All-Star team of mascots, house cats and pancake house employees.



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