Most baseball writers want to highlight their expertise when previewing the upcoming MLB season. Instead, my objective with this list of questions is to impress upon you just how impossible it is to accurately predict baseball stats.
Let’s start with the AL East, in alphabetical order:
- Why is Chris Davis such a humongous human being?
- Is Ubaldo the best first name for a pitcher in major league history?
- Dylan Bundy should change his name to Bundy Dylan. This is not a question.
Boston Red Sox
- Can Jackie Bradley, Jr. be the first designated outfielder?
- Is Koji the most lovable closer in the history of baseball?
- David Ortiz may not play in another uniform. This is not a question.
New York Yankees
- Like Mariano, will Derek Jeter be given a present in every stadium he plays in?
- What did C.C. Sabathia’s winter diet consist of?
- Michael Pineda is going to dominate at least some of the time. This is not a question.
Tampa Bay Rays
- How many games until the roof finally collapses at the Trop?
- What does Joe Maddon do in his leisure time?
- This stadium is atrocious. This is not a question, nor a stadium.
Toronto Blue Jays
- Will Jose Reyes play more than 100 games in any one season ever again?
- Would a name change do the trick? Ontario Blue Jays?
- At least Toronto fans have the Raptors and the Leafs and the Argos. This is not a question.
On to the AL Central:
Chicago White Sox
- If the South Siders had five Chris Sales in the rotation, would they be a wild-card team?
- How old is Cuban import Jose Abreu?
- I hope he’s much younger than Bobby Abreu, who didn’t make the cut in Philly. This is not a question.
- Jason Kipnis’ name spelled backwards is Sinpik Nosaj. Is there a better backwards name in the majors?
- Where did Michael Bourn’s legs go?
- Terry Francona loves his players. This is not a question.
- Which one of Max Scherzer’s multi-colored eyes do hitters stare at?
- When will Drew Smyly add “Face” to his last name? Drew Smyly-Face?
- At some point in the future, Jose Iglesias’ glove will be bronzed. This is not a question.
Kansas City Royals
- Can anyone set-up an interview between young flame-thrower Yordano Ventura, and his friend, Jesse “The Body” Ventura?
- How many more at-bats does Mike Moustakas get before he retires?
- Billy Butler’s nickname is “Country Breakfast.” This is not a question.
- How are fans supposed to get excited about Phil Hughes, Kevin Correia, and Mike Pelfrey? No, really. How?
- Miguel Sano, the mighty third-base prospect of the Twins is gone for the season, with an elbow injury. This is not a question, but it is a small tragedy for Twins fans.
- Pedro Florimon may be the weakest hitter in the American League. This is not a question.
On to the AL West:
- Can you name any Houston Astros? (Chris Carter, Jason Castro, and Jose Altuve.)
- Do you know who is managing them? (Bo Porter.)
- An Altuve is a unit of measurement. This is not a question.
Los Angeles Angels
- Remember when the Angels signed Pujols to a 10-year contract? (2012.)
- Remember how Pujols’ first two years have gone? (Not well.)
- There are eight more years left on that contract. This is not a question.
- Is there some undetectable force that keeps the A’s winning 85-93 games, regardless of who wears the green and gold?
- Will the A’s lose Game 5 of the American League Division Series every October, regardless of the opponent?
- The Coliseum is meant for football. This is not a question.
- Now that the Mariners have Robinson Cano, will they score more than two runs per game?
- Where did Jesus Montero’s confidence and power escape to?
- Hisashi Iwakuma is quite a cerebral and deceptive pitcher. This is not a question.
- How many Rangers pitchers are injured? (The vast majority of them.)
- Does second-baseman Rougned Odor have the best name in the minor leagues?
- Jurickson Profar has been bitten by the injury bug as well. This is not a question.
—Follow Jonah Hall on Twitter: @darkoindex or www.darkoindex.com