"Can I deflower your sex machine?"

He popped the porn VSM Presents Sammy 4 U into the computer and was offered his choice of four episodes: “Full-Service Stripper,” “Rough Rider Sammy,” “Ass Hammer” or “Pussy Fart Surprise.” Unfazed by the obvious spoiler ending, he clicked on “Pussy Fart Surprise,” and we watched Sammy begin with some blowjob magic. As she started sucking, so did the machine—but not in a good way. The level of noise produced by the VSM would make you think it was matching Sammy’s vigor, since it sounded like a train crashing into a pile of jackhammers; he compared the experience to “getting sucked off by a palsied nun.” Sammy then flipped onto her stomach and got railed from behind. I hoped that the VSM’s version of doggy-style would be better than its fellatio, but the look of defeat on the ex’s face said it wasn’t. He was ready to give up, and he said as much.

“No, you can’t give up yet!” I pleaded. “You have to finish. You owe it to my column! And to the machine!”
I was not a quitter, nor would I allow my robot-screwing ex-boyfriend to be.

“Fine, but can you at least help?” he asked. “Show me your boobs or something. And hold this thing. My arms are getting tired.”