Sep 20, 2019, 06:29AM

Boxing Emma (and Nicky)

New writers and old editors cause Monica major tsuris.

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I give up. I refuse to be mocked and doxxed on social media. Going forward, I will register no complaints with my editors, whether it’s about my copy or that of the writers they decide to publish. Clearly, it’s out of my control and I wield no influence with these people. The publication of “Through the Eyes of Emster” marks a turning point for me: now, more than ever, I see how Russ and Nicky are not on my side. What else could explain their thought process in publishing such an incoherent and incomprehensible article? “She’s very popular on Twitter.”

Really? I didn’t know women could tweet. Of course I kid, as I am woman (hear me squawk). But let’s not get ahead of ourselves: not all women can tweet. Do we have a model example of the latter? Well, I wouldn’t go that far… but clearly there are some deficiencies. Nevertheless, she persisted. Splice Today has published her. Meanwhile, Roo and I are struggling to make ends meet: we might not even be able to afford the sunroom extension in our Nantucket home. Our properties in Florida have been worthless and bogging us down in property taxes since 2008. We’re not solvent, to say the least.

But I will not continue to rant, nor will I continue to libel Emma and criticize her writing. We haven’t met, and I hope to change that someday. Will I ever “possibly be more nonchalant?” Sorry, no. But we can still talk, agree to disagree. Good old-fashioned third way politics. The Quibbits all hate to argue, after all. This have I learned. I wish I could show you all the scenes at the Quibbits residence in the Hamptons when Roo brought me over and introduced me to his parents. They weren’t happy… I was “beneath their station.”

I didn’t come from the right family, I didn’t go to the right schools, I didn’t pass the right tests like that bitch Elizabeth Warren (“Capitalist to my bones” my ass, you will bankrupt this country faster than a tamale in drag). Remember friends, love wins. To be honest, I’m not even sure those were his parents… legal guardians? Roommates? Whatever, I was too nervous and horny to care. We’ve been together ever since.

I welcome Emma to the staff. I look forward to reading more of her writing, and perhaps engaging with her in a less antagonistic manner on social media. Personally, I blame Nicky for doing such a shitty job putting that piece together. A stitch-job of out-of-order tweets spanning weeks, even months, with nothing tying it together other than Ms. Wenzel’s jouissance. Perhaps this is appropriate for an introduction; perhaps Nicky was strapped for material and rushed something out that wasn’t ready yet (it wouldn’t be the first time).

Oh, and that picture he posted? Of an article I allegedly sent him? Full of vitriol, jealousy, rage and resentment? Yeah… that wasn’t me. It was either Nicky or Bennington, and to be honest, I’m through blaming my family. Fuck Nicky Smith for not putting in the time to give a woman her proper writing debut. Fuck him for going back and forth on the style and fuck him for never giving us Quibbits’ any leeway when we send material in idiosyncratic casing, spelling, and form. I would write for Splice Today every day if I could but they’ve never wanted me to soar. Russ and Nicky want to keep my family tokenized and appropriately bizarre, but to never step outside of our COMPLETELY BULLSHIT slot on Friday, the worst day of the week for online publishing. We’ve been getting fucked by both of them for too long. I think it’s time I paid Emma a visit, and not to threaten her, but to join forces. We can storm the offices and demand better treatment. We can workshop ideas and help each other with our writing. Women are stronger together, and we don’t need help from those fucking anxious micks.

—Follow Monica Quibbits on Twitter: @MonicaQuibbits


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