Politics & Media
Nov 04, 2014, 09:51AM

Human Host's Guide to the 2014 Elections

This year's most popular write-in candidates.

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Last year we threw our hats in the ring in support of some of the most promising write-in political candidates any U.S. election has ever known. To guide our politically confused fans and to squash all the doubters who continue to assume that we were (or are) apathetic nihilists, just in time for U.S. election day 2014, Human Host now presents another set of endorsements. These are the write-in candidates guaranteed to effect truly positive change through the pure wonder of dynamic impossibility:

A Walrus Sleeping in Gigantic Tub of Chocolate Mousse: for representative of Arizona’s 6th Congressional District

Chorky, the Lead Singer of Your Dad’s Band, Blues Exorcist: for 10th Magistrate Judge of Johnson County, Kansas

Cutesy the Cannibal : for Governor of Maryland

Porn Stalk: for Property Valuation Administrator of Clay County, Kentucky

Drooling Sven: for Attorney General of Pennsylvania

Count Dorkula: for Labor Commissioner of San Diego County, California

Smokin’ Tabby-Doo’s Gargana* Tree: for Superior Court Judge of Clallam, Washington

Egg Force 1: for New Orleans Public Service Commission (District 1)

Hurdling Rick’s World Weary Milkshake: for Arkansas Commissioner of State Lands

The Cupcake Of Aggressive Sexuality: for Representative of the 5th Congressional District of Connecticut

Funny Executioner Dude: for West Virginia Secretary of State

Serious Girl Burger: for Public Defender of Florida’s 20th Circuit Court District

Gravy Drenched Lois: for Vermont State Auditor Of Accounts

Bonk-A-Saurus the Murder Pastry: for Governor of South Dakota

Lork Dramm Pappilstonk Trowel Breaker: for Superintendent of the Alabama Board of Education

Ovulator Ham Lincoln: for Hawaii State Representative (District 41)

The Potato of Total Worthlessness: for Georgia State Insurance Commissioner

A Man-Pig Eating Its Own Tail: for Congressional Delegate of Washington, D.C.

Lust Shovel: for Delaware Registrar of Wills

Intolerant Spinach Jackass: for Clerk Of Passaic County, New Jersey

Barfy The Cow: for Pennsylvania State House of Representatives (84th District)

Fashion Spider: for Constable of Marion County, Indiana Small Claims Court


*a combination of a gargoyle and a banana


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