Feb 16, 2016, 06:51AM

The Perils of Attending a Mid-Week Rock Show

When you’re 35, have to get up early, and the opening band is terrible.

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All four of us get up before seven a.m. for work, none of us were thoroughly intoxicated, and that the small San Francisco venue where we saw this mid-week show was old, sold out and overly packed. And yet, we still enjoyed it, once we got to the headliner. However, before the main act, we were subjected to an excruciating live-music experience.

9:13 Jonah Hall: Guitar solo…

9:15 Eric Black: Guitar solo….

9:15 JH: Next track please...

9:15 Nicole Burton: Next band please....

9:16 NB: I thought it was just me being cranky because it's late. Ha-ha.

9:17 JH: Yes. This is the opposite of good.

9:18 Nat J: Boo. He held onto the dream a bit too long, no? Le sigh.

9:19 JH: I guess you could say at least they play their own instruments...

9:20 EB: I am enjoying the facial expressions of the drummer.

9:20 NB: I cannot see a single person on stage from where I am. It’s as if we are listening to a loud awful CD that can’t be removed from the stereo.

9:21 NJ: It got stuck on repeat for eternity.

9:22 NB: Best use of texting ever.

9:23 JH: Just hit eject! We are now using technology to save our vocal chords and our sanity.

9:23 EB: The bass player has a beard. That’s something.

9:24 NB: I didn’t know there were more than two people on stage. Are there more than three?

9:25 JH: [Headliner, Built to Spill, is supposed to go on at 10:15.] It’s not going to be 10:15 for… well, it’s going to feel like a very long time.

9:25 NJ: For real.

9:26 JH: Do you think they have names for each of these songs?

9:26 EB: I didn’t know Lady Gaga was in the band!

9:27 NB: Okay, so how many people are there? Is this a fourth person?

9:27 NB: Are there actually like 12 people on stage that I’m too short to see?

9:28 NJ: They were holding out on us. Special guests.

9:29 NJ: There is a gate to hell stage left.

9:29 JH: Ah, this is what Gwen Stefani has been up to...

9:30 EB: I'm pretty sure we just invented a texting version of mystery science theater 3000.

9:30 NB: This song is called "strange kind of word I can't understand."

9:31 NJ: Pony tail... Comes with hat or real?

9:32 NB: It's a wig, which is separate from the hat. Or it's a weave/extensions. 

9:32 JH: I really want it to come with the hat...

9:33 NJ: [Insert image of pony tail hat with attached hair.]

9:34 NB: Wow.

9:35 JH: Do you think she writes her own lyrics? Or does the band provide her with these word-like substances?

9:35 NB: Maybe she improvised the "fuck you."

9:36 EB: The words are powered by the magic of the pony tail hat.

9:37 JH: Oh no! Maybe she left to go work on those lyrics...

9:37 NJ: Wow, people in the front are dancing. Polite? Or does proximity affect their suckage? 

9:38 JH: Will they ever invent see-through poles?  I want a discount on my obstructed view ticket. So many poles and [insert stripper joke here]. 

9:38 NB: No, I actually see people dancing. They’re probably tripping. 

9:39 JH: Those people in front are plants, being paid by the drummer.

9:40 EB: I wonder why they’re huddled on the left hand side of the stage.

9:40 NB: Again I say... There are people on stage?

9:41: NJ: The right side is a wall of Marshalls [speakers]. I learned my lesson from sitting over there. Permanent arrhythmia.

9:42 EB: I think the pony tail hat would serve as a great conversation facilitator. Like the talking stick.

9:42 NJ: The new conch.

9:43 NJ: One more [song]. Merciful.

9:43 JH: Taller than 6'1” should be asked to move to the side. I've always advocated for this rule.

9:43 NB: Murphy's Law says it’ll be the worst one yet.

9:44 NB: Oh man. And now the two sides next to me are talking politics. They need to learn the fine art of silent concert conversation.

9:45 NJ: Ugh. Glad I brought my ear plugs. Sorry.

9:45 JH: I'm really going to miss these guys. 

—Follow Jonah Hall on Twitter: @darkoindex


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