Aug 07, 2017, 09:27AM

I Love My Curvy Last Week’s Twitter Bullshit

A man speaks.

Screen shot 2017 08 07 at 9.27.17 am.png?ixlib=rails 2.1

As a teenager, I was often teased by my friends for my attraction to Twitter bullshit on the longer established side, Twitter bullshit that the average (basic) bro might refer to as “outdated” or even “rank.” Then, as I became a man and started to educate myself on issues such as feminism and how the media marginalizes last week’s Twitter bullshit by portraying a very narrow and very specific standard of relevance (has to be this week, not last week) I realized how many men have bought into that lie. I love my last week’s Twitter bullshit and its curvy body.

For me, there’s nothing sexier than last week’s Twitter bullshit right as it is: same joke over and over again, same joke over and over again, fuck that guy for loving his fat wife, etc. Its age and viability won’t be the one featured in Jeet Heer’s Twitter feed, but it’s the one featured in my life and in my heart. There’s nothing sexier to me than a last week’s Twitter bullshit who is both decaying and confident; this gorgeous last week’s Twitter bullshit I married shows every second of its overlong media existence and is still the most beautiful Twitter bullshit in the room. Guys, rethink what society has told you that you should desire. Last week’s Twitter bullshit is not a porn star or a bikini mannequin or a movie character. Last week’s Twitter bullshit is real. It has crusted whorls and cute little dimples.

Twitter bullshit, don’t ever fool yourself by thinking you have to fit a certain mold to be loved and appreciated. There’d a guy out here who’s going to celebrate you for exactly who you are, someone who will love you like I love my curvy last week’s Twitter bullshit.

Netflix corner. John Mulaney does a great voice when he’s pretending to be a coltish young Motown singer: “Where do I sign, Mr. Berry Gordy?” And he’s good as a Def Jam comedian who's pissed because Home Alone 2: Lost in New York has such a dumb subtitle: “It’s a grid system, motherfucker.” He’s spellbinding, in a small way, as Ice-T digesting the concept of sex addiction. Ice-T runs the analogies through his mouth: “Like somebody who drinks too much... or snorts cocaine... or bets the house on the... poh-nies.” He keeps going, more analogies. The man can't stop; he has entered a slow-moving trance of cogitation.

You or I might recall that Ice-T didn’t write those dumb lines. A lot of explaining goes on during Law and Order: Special Victims Unit. The writers need a character who will nod his head and blink as another character trots out basic social science for the viewers. For some reason the non-and-blink assignment goes to the black guy. Accordingly, Ice-T reads dumb lines given him by a white staff, and a white comedian comes along and is very funny about how Ice-T sounds dumb. One senses a pattern.

The white comedian ought to be a jerk, but he’s really good. Not just clever, but human. His concert shows, New in Town and The Comeback Kid, are recommended to anyone who can stand the grubbiness of human frailty.

—Follow C.T. May on Twitter: @CTMay3


Register or Login to leave a comment