Feb 24, 2014, 07:00AM

Trusting the Spanx Pee Hole

Satire: A rejected company PSA.

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We here at Spanx like to think we make women's lives better. As the leading manufacturer of muffin-top control worldwide, we provide shapewear for real women who really eat carbs, and even for some who don’t but want to avoid unsightly jiggling in public. We’re not saying women should over focus on their appearances because we know it’s more important that you’re beautiful on the inside. But we all know how nice you are doesn’t mean much when it comes to zipping those pants after a long holiday weekend, so we do what we can.

But our products are not for pussies. Well, technically, they... let's just put it this way: to fully experience the best our line of underthings has to offer, women need to be willing to have a little faith. It’s been brought to our attention that allegedly some women have had some difficulty using the bathroom while wearing Spanx bodysuits. Our patented pee hole design allows you to flow freely without having to get naked in a public restroom. Who wants to peel off layers of jeans and sweaters and scarves and boots and coats just to take a whiz? The hole is there. Trust it.

Look, don't blame us for the one time you were half shitfaced at the bar and you tried to squat over that nasty potty and you got pee all over the Spanx, the floor and your drunk ass. That's user error there, my friend. Ditto the time you thought you could order a meal at a restaurant, “Just run to the restroom really quick” and do your business, and there was a line so you rushed the job. Taking your entire one-piece Spanx off and shoving it into the feminine product disposal box seemed like a little bit of an extreme reaction to your alleged case of swamp ass, not to mention how was walking through an Outback Steakhouse wearing no bra a better idea?

Women who count on Spanx products to hide their muffin tops and FUPAs (Google it) know that it's really about the angle. If you position your ladygarden correctly on a toilet, you should be able to pee fear-free. We’ve purposefully designed it so that there isn’t a large gaping hole in this area, which would have the potential for creating a masculine “bulge” effect women would clearly despise. We specifically created a subtle pee hole fold design, so obviously our customers need to keep in mind that the hole needs to be expanded when in use. Seriously, we didn’t think the thing needed to come with instructions.

To address a separate set of questions, we’ve checked with our lawyers and can’t comment on how well the pee hole design stands up to, ahem, any other types of activities, the occasion for which most other people choose simply to remove their clothing versus trying to maneuver awkwardly around the fold design. We cannot be responsible for chafing that occurs during the use of Spanx for extreme recreational activity.

Here at Spanx we wanted to try to address some of the concerns presented to us by women, but we’re so happy that vast majority of customers seem to have the common sense to use our shapewear without encountering dramatic side effects better suited for perhaps other types of lingerie. It’s our goal to help you look good, not run your personal life and toileting habits in our product round the clock. While of course we think it’s an excellent idea to keep a “spare pair” of Spanx in your purse or car for times when you or a friend should encounter some type of unforeseen wardrobe malfunction, we also think that with a little practice, our unique ability to erase panty lines while still providing the ability to relieve yourself should be doable.

We envision a world where all women can trust the Spanx pee hole.



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