Sep 14, 2016, 10:37AM

Roosters Come in Red

The scoop on Hillary Clinton’s crazy weekend.

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—Hillary I really don’t think you should be doing this.

—Shut up you old fuck. Get fucked and die.

—Well, I will.

—Go find Energizer.

—I fired Energizer.


She bugged me.

What. Did. She. Do.

Ehhhhhh, she’s dumb as a box of rocks.

Don’t say that.

Oh fuck, come on, Hil. I’m tired. I’m lonely. I need hummers. This is, like, totally not getting the job done. I’m sick of traveling this much. I shouldn’t have to be with you. You have Huma. It makes me feel… bad, when you’re with her. It’s hard for me. So I need hummers. I thought we had an understanding. I need this. I’m an old man, and—

—Yes, I know. I really can’t get over it. Ugh, don’t breathe on me, please? It’s like I’m getting dust on me. You’re really disgusting.

Oh fuck you Hil I’m going out to score. Good luck at the doctor’s office. I’m getting a hummer.


Madame Secretary, your blood pressure is through the roof, your cholesterol is absurdly high, I’m sensing a severe intolerance to gluten, and you really are sweating bullets in here. What’s up? Your face is damp.

I just got out of the shower.

It’s four in the afternoon.

I was busy running the country.


Just… just give me the fucking latest, okay? What drugs am I on.

I don’t know. I can’t read.

What? You’re a medical doctor.

I wasn’t raised like you. I’m going to leave the room now.

What? Can you please go get someone? Huma? Bill? I need to talk to someone. I’m having a hard time seeing.


My God Hil you really are sick.

It was a talking rooster! It had on a little lab coat and everything! He was wearing glasses!

You’re gendering an imaginary animal? Stay classy, Hil.

You have to believe me!

This is not convincing.


I’m really… maybe I should just run.

Stop it!

Hey Don? Don? Can you get the body double ready for the World Trade Center? I don’t think she’s going to be able to make it. No, no, no, she’s fine, physically, uh, I’ll call you back… just send out Nicky or something… Okay… talk to you later.

Huma, he’s here.

Who? Bill?

Rooster it’s rooster rooster is hanging off the ceiling fan he’s come to get me oh my god oh my god he has a knife oh my god are you SEEING THIS? I have to… I have to get out—

You need to take a nap. 


Red dress… red dress… red dress… red dress…

It was blue.

Who are you?

I’m the one keeping you alive.

How can you talk?

Wow, that’s… so offensive. I went to college.



—I can’t think straight.

—I… you’re on SO MANY drugs right now. This is all for your own good, Hil. Somebody wants you dead. Looks like boner. Acts like a boner. It’s John Boehner. He’s pissed about the whole deportation thing.

—Oh he had it coming.

—I know, but you know how he gets.

—Okay, what’s the movie, I’m really itchy… found out where he’s hiding. It’s 10 minutes away. We’re going. Get ready.

—I’m restrained.

—Right. Okay, let’s go.

—Can I have a cigarette?

—I don’t smoke. And neither should you.

—Follow Rooster Quibbits on Twitter: @RoosterQuibbits


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