Jul 24, 2014, 09:55AM


Wait for the sparkler beast Alice Nugget.

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Princess Chomp Ruster & Manchild X have joined forces to bring you the new HUMAN HOST ULTRON-O-CAB: A cab service for today’s "adventure fresh" generation.

Are you tired of the same ol’ hum drum “point A-to-point B” cab ride? Tired of boring amenities like air conditioning, satellite radio, and windshields? Well so are the weary travelers of Human Host. To throw some spice into the average commute the crew from HH has developed a taxi cab experience that’s revolutionizing the auto world. With the HUMAN HOST ULTRON-O-CAB, the driver is in charge, you’re just along for the ride. Some past H.H.U. rides have led drivers and passengers to plunge off docks and cliffs, into the Atlantic Ocean, into the mouth of an active volcano, into the mouth of a giant squid, into a wedding cake, into Rob’s pool, etc.

The in-car perks of the H.H.U. include free/bottomless emotional baggage, Jangus The Rabid Starving Bull-Mastiff, a vibrating ball of electrified spikes, Death Hoagie, 40 lbs. of ooey gooey chocolate chip cookie dough, and more. Ffor a complete list of the H.H.U.’s  premium in-car amenities, use telepathy to consult a meta-core of engorged fantasy lather.

A special combination of crystal programming, rainbow torrents, and Big T.’s Hurdling Selflessness, HUMAN HOST ULTRON-O-CABBIES never expect their passengers to observe the rituals of small talk, eye contact, cash gratuity, or anything else commonly associated with “normal” cab rides offered by all those totally square “normal” cab companies.    

When and if a HUMAN HOST ULTRON-O-CAB stops, you can rest assured that the sparkler beast Alice Nugget will be waiting for you. If you exit the vehicle, Ms. Nugget will then carefully bring you to a place that teeters eternally at the edge of a pudding dream. Once you’re there, she’ll seal your fate with powerful ambition and thrust you into the rushes. As you’re tossed this way and that upon twisted gossamer clorts you’ll bask in the plastic serenity of any given throng’s bejeweled whim, that which often reveals itself in the form of a song...

...it’s everywhere, splattered on rocks, strung from trees/eyes on your hands, tongues for teeth, hair like leaves/it’s everywhere, splattered on rocks, strung from trees/floating heads languish, overwhelmed...

And if none of this can convince you that the HUMAN HOST ULTRON-O-CAB will satisfy all of your "adventure fresh" needs, then just check out what these satisfied H.H.U. customers have to say:

“I’m dead.” —Ghost Jim

“Things will help me.” —Bubble Barna de Forggezz

“Maybe cosmic blood pours from the mouth of a varnished infinity.” —Werewolf Hurricane

“Gargling is way easier now. Secretion too!” —A Castle of Whirling Flesh Donors

“Me, the wife, and kids? Oh, we had a great time, real fun for the whole family.” —Sabbath Flapper

“Ibba dibba dabbah, ibba dibba deebbee, ibba dibba dibba dibba dibba dabbaah.” —A Gobble Dino-Blob

“For you I became The Child Of Reverse Polarity, I chose the electric journey.” —Folk Mustard


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