Apr 07, 2014, 09:49AM

Human Host's Guide to College Success

On to Trongo Borrk Gobba.

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As America’s high school seniors prepare to leave their carefree childhood days behind, we here at Human Host feel compelled to give guidance to those brave young souls who stand ready to embark upon their academic journeys. Yep, that’s right, college is right around the corner for many of our nation’s best and brightest students, and no matter how smart and well adjusted they may be the class of 2018 really could use a few pointers, just some basics to get them through the awkward transitional period that will come with the world of dorms, syllabi, and all night crunch-a-thons. To insure that our collegiate fans’ scholastic achievements maintain only the highest level of excellence, the Human Host crew has put together this list of hints guaranteed to make college an illuminating and unforgettable experience:


The importance of nudity in a college setting cannot be overstated. All students must remember that the class room is a stage and your professors are in fact collaborative performers whose work simply can’t be completed without help from the student body, literally and figuratively. If they impart great tides of knowledge, if they offer interesting perspectives that provoke thought and emotion, you must react immediately by disrobing with all the vigor you can muster. With each new realization you must rip off a piece of clothing and, at last, when highest enlightenment has finally been attained, you must dance about the lecture hall without even a shred of clothing. To do anything less would leave the professors with the incorrect impression that you’ve learned nothing, and if they felt that way surely their hearts would ache with unbearable pain. Even though in-depth romantic advice isn’t really going on here, we must mention one sex related bit: if you share a particularly enlightening class with a lover it wouldn’t be bad at all if you engaged that paramour (or paramours) in naked outbursts of passionate embrace right on top of the professor’s desk.


Whether you’re typing away on a tablet device or scrawling in shorthand, taking notes is one of the most important parts of succeeding in school. A little known fact: notes can only be beneficial if they are destroyed immediately after they’ve been completed. Notes are best ignited by psionic force—the ability to shoot brain beams of destruction, a skill often gained as a side effect of conference with Satan, Christ, The Earth Mother, ghostly ancestors, special cosmic beings, etc. Setting fire to a pile of meticulously assembled notes or an expensive electronic device may seem like an easy job, but for the notes to be completely destroyed it takes acute concentration. Burning up a class room, your fellow students, yourself, and your professor would be a horrifying mistake. The purpose of annihilating your notes isn’t to physically destroy anything, but to demonstrate how facts, figures, and conceptual forms can only work when they're transformed into trans-dimensional energy blobs (i.e. flames). In this form, the words and numbers that once adorned the page are set free to join their happy little brothers and sisters in a place called Trongo Borrk Gobba. This is the home land of awesomeness’ fulcrum, a combination of a ten-thousand-headed nebula griffin and Gina’s eternal spark-ash mixture.


Some of the earliest known land dwelling life forms on Earth were reptiles and amphibians, so one can only assume that they were the first to establish educational systems. Bearing that in mind, a great way to express your genuine love for school is to hop around like a frog. As you walk through the Ivy League halls, the utilitarian confines of the trade school, or wherever it may be, do not stride with pride, do not boldly strut, do not run like a wild wolf, but hop like the frog, bound from class to class, maybe stick out your tongue every once in a while and do your best to scobble up a scrumptious fly in mid-air. Belt out a bold ‘ribit!’ with joy as you mount your lecture hall seat. Let the whole school know that you absolutely adore hopping like a frog. Let them know that this adoration makes you morally superior to people who abstain from frog hopping. Keep a small tank full of water within easy reach. Make sure that it fits the proportions of your head and face. You can show your professors that you care about their lectures if you stick your entire head into the tank and then blow bubbles, gargle, splash about, flail your wet hair and frog hop all over the burning notes and all over your horniest naked classmates. Feel free to drench action-packed galaxies of brain force with the prehistoric fury of an adrenaline-drunk pond beast! Rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrribit!


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