Me: Hello.
Steve: Everyone hates you.
Me: I came to talk to you to get some answers. Question number one: what are your goals?
Steve: To make you hate yourself and be scared of everything so that you have zero motivation and don’t get anything done.
Me: And how do you make these goals happen?
Steve: I have a multi-step plan. First, I make you think about everything that could go wrong. Then I make you lose sleep over this so that you’re tired all the time, which takes away all of your motivation. Finally, I make you look at the news so that any hope you did have is taken away from the fact that you’ll probably have a minimum wage job for your whole life.
Me: What do you gain from this?
Steve: The more anxious and depressed you become the more intrusive thoughts you have, which means more time taken up in your brain by me. Soon I’ll take logic’s place as the main voice in your head.
Me: No you won’t. (Mumbled.)
Steve: What?
Me: Nothing.
Steve: What do you have planned? Just remember everyone hates you, nothing you ever do will be good enough. You're weak, useless and nothing but a piece of trash. Not even good trash, you’re trash people don’t even bother to put back in the trashcan.
Me: Okay, dramatic much? Anyway, next question. As you know, recently Lexapro was enacted, how do you plan on tackling this, or is this an end game for you?
Steve: Well ever since therapy was started I’ve focused more on the anxiety aspect of my job. Lexapro may lessen depression, but anxiety is still going strong. The panic attack on the drive to school was a great example of this, driving simply wasn’t a strong enough distraction to stop me.
Me: Well, you should also know that I was able to overcome that panic attack and even be in a better mood by the time I walked into school. You used to be so strong, but it seems recently you’ve lost your touch.
Steve: You may think you have a handle on me, but you don’t. Everything will fall apart when you least expect it. Because no matter how hard you try, you can’t get rid of me. You hate yourself and no one likes you because you’re a stupid, rude, terrible human being, who doesn’t even deserve to be alive.
Me: Okay, it seems you just about lost it. So before we go, let me just say this. Those things you say aren’t true. I know they’re not. And you’ll always be there, but that doesn’t mean you have to control me. Goodbye Steve, have a nice afternoon.