Few films have done justice to the deed. Mostly, it's all montage,
clever angles and, in particularly dire cases, smooth jazz. I could go
into the movies that have managed to get it right, but honestly, it's a
lot more interesting to look at the ones that have gotten it really,
really wrong. Sometimes it's supposed to be bad; sometimes it's
supposed to be high art. Either way, here are a few of the most notable
offenders.
"Brown Bunny": I am all for real sex on screen, at least when it's
appropriate. "Shortbus" is perhaps the best example of a film where the
sex was, well, sex, without ever feeling tacky or overdone. If, on the
other hand, your movie is a vanity project culminating in a degrading
blow job from your co-star, it's safe to say you're doing it wrong. In
an attempt to defend "Brown Bunny," Chloe Sevigny was later quoted as
saying, "It's an art film. It should be playing in museums. It's like
an Andy Warhol movie." That's more than just condescending-it's
downright ludicrous.
"Last Tango in Paris": Bernardo Bertolucci's 1972 erotic drama has been
called a misunderstood masterpiece, a stunning portrayal of human
relationships and a daring look at our troubled sexual mores. Actually,
it's a piece of self-indulgent crap. As far as I'm concerned, the
people who defend "Last Tango in Paris" do so because they don't get
it, and admitting that would be too big a blow to their egos.
No matter how deep the film purports to be, in the end it's just hard
to stomach. There's really nothing unsexier than a schlumpy Marlon
Brando using butter as lube before plowing into a tearful Marie
Schneider. Not to mention the fact that butter is oil-based. I mean,
talk about unsafe.