Jul 24, 2008, 06:18AM

Worst Sex Scenes Of All Time

Whether campy horror or failed high art, sex has been done wrong on the big screen too many times to count. That's not stopping this writer, though, from trying to list the worst ever moments in celluloid coitus.

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Few films have done justice to the deed. Mostly, it's all montage, clever angles and, in particularly dire cases, smooth jazz. I could go into the movies that have managed to get it right, but honestly, it's a lot more interesting to look at the ones that have gotten it really, really wrong. Sometimes it's supposed to be bad; sometimes it's supposed to be high art. Either way, here are a few of the most notable offenders.

"Brown Bunny": I am all for real sex on screen, at least when it's appropriate. "Shortbus" is perhaps the best example of a film where the sex was, well, sex, without ever feeling tacky or overdone. If, on the other hand, your movie is a vanity project culminating in a degrading blow job from your co-star, it's safe to say you're doing it wrong. In an attempt to defend "Brown Bunny," Chloe Sevigny was later quoted as saying, "It's an art film. It should be playing in museums. It's like an Andy Warhol movie." That's more than just condescending-it's downright ludicrous.

"Last Tango in Paris": Bernardo Bertolucci's 1972 erotic drama has been called a misunderstood masterpiece, a stunning portrayal of human relationships and a daring look at our troubled sexual mores. Actually, it's a piece of self-indulgent crap. As far as I'm concerned, the people who defend "Last Tango in Paris" do so because they don't get it, and admitting that would be too big a blow to their egos.

No matter how deep the film purports to be, in the end it's just hard to stomach. There's really nothing unsexier than a schlumpy Marlon Brando using butter as lube before plowing into a tearful Marie Schneider. Not to mention the fact that butter is oil-based. I mean, talk about unsafe.


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