The biggest problem I currently face is not having a man when my friends do. I’m not a jealous person. In fact, I’m the cause of two of my closest friends being in serious relationships headed for engagement (one in the US and one in Japan). It’s funny because I wingman all the time for my straight friends, but they hardly ever do it for me. You’d think my friends are homophobic since they tense up when I say “Go talk to that guy for me.” And I think to myself, damn, I have to do everything; even though I’m the reason she met her man! Twenty-six years old and I’m still trying to be as adventurous as possible in my dating options, but in all honesty I’m over it. Mentally exhausted. I just want a man to appear in my life, and I don’t care who gets the credit for it. I pretend it doesn't bother me, but I am human so, yes, I’m lonely.
I’m the most energized about life itself, but believe having someone to share all of it with would just be much easier on my nerves. I listen to my best friend talk about her courting with her man, and I’m so happy for her upcoming engagement, enough that I’d plan her entire wedding, but I’m also really sad about it. When will my time come? Among my many goals I’ve started studying home buying, and the other night it dawned on me: am I really going to have to do this alone? Buy a house? Damn it.
It’s really not as bad as it sounds. I’m actually a really happy person. I have friends who treat me like a king, an AirBnb destination success apartment, and a car with a back-up camera. I’m living the dream! But I crave a partner, even though I am not thirsty for one.
So, I keep doing things to pass the time. I engage in those filler activities that can give you an instant dose of fulfillment, only for it to wear off so that I come full circle in realizing how pathetic it was to even try to take my mind off being lonely. Go to church, see really good art, learn to cook new things, host endless dinner parties. I do it all… and still think about a man. The inner Chaz knows that a man, even the relationship I dream of, isn’t going to “fulfill” me in the ways that even I, lonely Chaz, believe it will.
When I moved back to America I decided to live alone, because that’s what I had done for two years in Japan. I grew up in my private space and really got to know myself. I did so much writing, self-studying, and cooked all the time. But wait: after six months of living alone I met the man who’s probably the only person I’ve ever been in love with. From that foundation of alone time, I’ve been able to dig deep into my strengths and weaknesses. I’ve been able to value my creativity that happens from being alone but not lonely. I’m able to escape social overloads and retreat to my own space. Maybe it’s made me more anti-social, but I realized that the people I spend most of my time with here just write me off as an extrovert and fail to understand my introvert qualities.
However, I thought I’d have a man by now. Of course, life never works out like that: you don’t find someone when you’re “looking.” When I came back to USA, I wrote:
No matter how many tears I have to cry, I will get back on track to living my life in a way where people can see my sincerities and reward me with such an authentic care that challenges me to grow, and be someone who constantly seeks an unconditional way of caring for one another. (Taken from IAMMYLIFE.org)
Yeah still working on that…
I’ve followed that mission of “seeking unconditional love.” I’ve made some cool friends here that I think I’ll be riding with forever and constantly seeking ways to show them that I care for them. I just desire something more then being a good friend. I don’t know if I want a relationship to see if I can care for someone in that way, or if I want one because I’m really ready. Friends are like a part-time job where the benefits vary and the time commitment never feels consistent. I want a “full time job”... with benefits, sacrifice, and growth. It’s all about perspective. So no luck in the dating pool so far, but I’m still pretty sane and haven’t started any lonely-hearted hobbies yet. Still, I’m really getting into plants... but fear I’ll talk to them, and that’s just not an article I want to write.
—Follow Chaz @ IAMMYLIFE.org