Splicetoday

Politics & Media
Mar 13, 2020, 06:29AM

Coronavirus Is Violence Against Birds

We’re blamed for yet another disaster. First Sully, now this. Why?

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Pictured: Vile anti-avian propaganda (a meme, I'm told)

I’m once again asking for your attention regarding the novel coronavirus COVID-19. As a member of the avian community, I’m appalled and beyond disgusted by the anti-avian attacks committed on innocent civilians, individuals who had nothing to do with the spread of the disease in New Rochelle, NY. For the record, my cousin Bennington wasn’t involved. He’s never worked in a nursing home and isn’t about to start. I think it’s much more likely that one of their homo sapien workers made a stupid and did a dumb-dumb when they ate Chinese food without washing their hands. Next time you “sterilize” Deborah’s bedpan, make sure you get the moo goo gai pan out of your face you drooling mess.

Roosters are not to blame for the spread of the novel coronavirus known as COVID-19. It was the human race. You done fucked up and then some. Avian bird flu? Fake news. Swine flu? “Nipped in the bud,” you may say. Ebola? Barack had that one locked. So why the global pandemic all of a sudden? It’s not just the President of the United States. He didn’t create this virus—that was Xi Jinping, autocrat of the “Peoples’ Republic of China” and man responsible for the incoming deaths of tens of millions of people. I wonder if he can even see it, the damage he’s done. I wonder if he can see much at all.

Not sure if you can tell but I’m mad. I’m mad today because I couldn’t get any chewing gum at the grocery store. My wife Monica (I love her) was crying because her gym’s closed indefinitely and one of her best friends (Pauline, a peacock, peckish and crude) tested positive for HIV. Pauline’s a veteran, and after her insurance vanished, she resorted to street drugs. Heroin was all that alleviated her chronic pain. Do you know what it’s like to have your legs torn off, cooked, and eaten in front of you? Pauline does, and she survived. She’s a tough bitch. HIV isn’t going to get her. But what if the hospitals are crowded with COVID-19 patients? Will Pauline even be able to get a bed in a hospital or the medications she needs to stay alive? Is this how we treat those that gave the most for our country? Penury and abjection and disease? It’s not right.

We need universal healthcare. That’s why I still support Bernie Sanders, and always have. I’ve never endorsed or written positively about any other campaign in this primary. You can Google that. I’ll watch you. I’ll watch you. I’ll watch you eat chicken wings while you jerk off to Russian porn of questionable origin in your Oakland loft where you’ve built a pneumatic tube that delivers sewage into an experimental vending machine that converts the waste into LSD-25, pure as the driven snow. I’ll give it to you there and you can take that and walk it around the block, solo all day on that one and come back to me when you’re ready to talk.

Quibbitses are kings, wherever they go and whatever land they claim. Here, I’m still in my shack. 2020 was going to be our big travel year, a lot of public appearances, but luckily nothing booked yet that we have to cancel to keep safe. I picked a perfect time to stay inside and write five unrelated novels simultaneously. I’m not happy that Tom Hanks and Rita Wilson have the novel coronavirus, but now that two celebrities have this disease, perhaps we’ll get a vaccine sooner rather than later. Hanks is really taking his Christ complex out on a limb, isn’t he? And getting the wife involved? Shady… but that’s just if you ask me. I like his son better (Chet, a friend.)

—Follow Rooster Quibbits on Twitter: @RoosterQuibbits

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