Apr 20, 2015, 07:05AM

What I Know About Dogs

They have sex in mid-air with imaginary partners.

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I love dogs and they love me. I understand them because I know their language. My friends and family call for advice about their mutts. If so inclined, I could give Cesar Milan, The Dog Whisperer, a run for his money. Here are some things I know and can share with any fellow dog-loving humans. They are in order of most to least likely to be true.

What does a dog like to eat?

  1. The most disgusting looking and foulest smelling thing within a one-block radius of your house.
  2. Anything that will make him sick and require an expensive vet visit, like a tray of chocolate brownies, a plate of raw hamburgers waiting to be grilled, or anything sharp like chicken bones or Christmas bulbs from the family tree.
  3. Anything that comes from a neighbor’s garbage.
  4. A $5 dollar can of pedigree dog food that’s good for teeth and bones.


Where does a dog like to sleep?

  1. On the new white goose down comforter you just put on your bed and walked away from for five seconds.
  2. Any coat (preferably recently dry-cleaned) you or a guest set down on a chair.
  3. On the cell phone you’ve been looking for.
  4. The fleece lined overpriced dog bed that takes up a whole section of your kitchen or bedroom.


What are dogs experts at?

  1. Getting under your feet when you are trying to cook, do a project or anything else that requires constant moving around.
  2. Eating all the wet dog food combined with the people food only to spit out the hidden pill the vet told you to give him twice a day.
  3. Barking at your mother, your neighbor, the UPS man but not the stranger lurking around your house.
  4. Remembering all the fundamentals of good behavior and expensive AKC dog obedience school training.


What will a dog do when he meets someone you want to impress?

  1. Attempt to have sex on their leg or have sex in mid-air with an imaginary partner.
  2. Start to heave and make horrible sounds as if ready to throw up.
  3. Pooping out a repulsive pile of organic matter that may include a tampon.
  4. Sit sweetly and quietly like Cesar Milan’s model dog would do.


What do dogs like to do best?

  1. Play.
  2. Be loved.        
  3. Love.
  4. Play.

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