I love dogs and they love me. I understand them because I know their language. My friends and family call for advice about their mutts. If so inclined, I could give Cesar Milan, The Dog Whisperer, a run for his money. Here are some things I know and can share with any fellow dog-loving humans. They are in order of most to least likely to be true.
What does a dog like to eat?
- The most disgusting looking and foulest smelling thing within a one-block radius of your house.
- Anything that will make him sick and require an expensive vet visit, like a tray of chocolate brownies, a plate of raw hamburgers waiting to be grilled, or anything sharp like chicken bones or Christmas bulbs from the family tree.
- Anything that comes from a neighbor’s garbage.
- A $5 dollar can of pedigree dog food that’s good for teeth and bones.
Where does a dog like to sleep?
- On the new white goose down comforter you just put on your bed and walked away from for five seconds.
- Any coat (preferably recently dry-cleaned) you or a guest set down on a chair.
- On the cell phone you’ve been looking for.
- The fleece lined overpriced dog bed that takes up a whole section of your kitchen or bedroom.
What are dogs experts at?
- Getting under your feet when you are trying to cook, do a project or anything else that requires constant moving around.
- Eating all the wet dog food combined with the people food only to spit out the hidden pill the vet told you to give him twice a day.
- Barking at your mother, your neighbor, the UPS man but not the stranger lurking around your house.
- Remembering all the fundamentals of good behavior and expensive AKC dog obedience school training.
What will a dog do when he meets someone you want to impress?
- Attempt to have sex on their leg or have sex in mid-air with an imaginary partner.
- Start to heave and make horrible sounds as if ready to throw up.
- Pooping out a repulsive pile of organic matter that may include a tampon.
- Sit sweetly and quietly like Cesar Milan’s model dog would do.
What do dogs like to do best?
- Be loved.