I've been... I think the correct term is “snookered.” These ladies are too intense for me. Turns out they’re affiliated with any government, they call themselves a “sovereign collective” but they don’t even get along. “S.Q.U.A.D.” is an acronym of their names: Sally, Querelle, Upstance, Allison, and Deb. And Monica, I guess. I don’t know. They’re so cliquey, they haven’t bothered to include me in any of their discussions or planning. I can’t even voice my approval or disapproval; none of them will listen. Also they all have guns and they just gave me was a Swiss Army knife. Birdism much? They think less of me because I’m a hen not a pelican. I can’t believe I joined a gang of vigilante lesbian pelicans. I’m bored. This is has been a typical day for me this week:
MONICA: Can we stop for food? I’m hungry. I could go for grass or pellets.
QUERELLE: Allison, do you hear the wind?
ALLISON: Hmm… sort of…
UPSTANCE: It’s hard to pick up.
SALLY: Sounds like more bitching and moaning from the back.
DEB: Lol… owned.
She actually said “LOL” out loud. I need to get out of here. I can’t be an accessory to this stupid mission. They want to break into a boutique pizzeria and chain themselves to the tables. They brought ammo and chemicals but they say they want to “try a more peaceful approach” first? What? I hate this. I have to leave. But I also don’t want to die. BUT—I also can’t stay in this van any longer. I’ll fly home: Spirit Airlines, Delta, United, whoever will take me. I think I saw a landing trip half a mile ago… I’m going.
I can’t open the door… I can’t… whoa!!— AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH BYE BICHES BYE BICHES BYE BICHES BYE BICHES!!! Why is the sun flying at me—
“Monica.” Bahh! What? “I think you were having a nightmare.” Blehblah ahahaha bath… what? Where am I? “It’s me, Rooster. It’s like three in the morning. I’m peckish. I’m gonna go downstairs… wait what were you dreaming about?” Where is my squad… “…what?” …WHERE…IS…MY…SQUAD? “Oh those pelicans? Yeah they came by asking for you today, I told them you were still asleep. What were you doing in Pittsburgh? They seemed aggressive and scary. They wanted to come in the house and ‘give me a rinse’… but don’t worry, I told them I was a married man. You were gone for two weeks, two days ago you showed up all skin, bone, and dirty feathers. I was worried. But you said you didn’t want to talk about it and you took the little bit of Phenobarbital we were saving for a special occasion. Are you okay? Do you want some water?” No… just blood. Bird blood.
“…Okay…uh well they said they would be back tomorrow—“DON’T LET THEM NEAR ME! “Oh my god, chill. I set up the turrets, if anyone comes on our property this morning they will be completely pulped by my setup upstairs. Did I tell you I started building a moat? It’s so cool. We can put alligators in it!” Just please… please don’t let them near me. Ever. “But they said they would be back for coffee.” JUST SET UP THE TURRETS! “Alright I’ll go double check everything’s loaded. I hope Bennington doesn’t come by, that would be kind of a bummer.”
…I hope he does…
—Follow Monica Quibbits on Twitter: @MonicaQuibbits