Oct 14, 2014, 09:18AM

Ask Human Host (#2)

Back pain, an aspiring artist and a wilting house plant.

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And the awesome advice just keeps on comin’! That’s right, it’s time for another installment of Ask Human Host. Remember, if you heed the words of the Host, something will be.

Please send postcards and letters with your questions for H.H. to:

Ask Human Host
2440 Lorillard Place
First Floor
Bronx, NY 10458


A couple weeks ago I played goalie in an awesome game of soccer. My neck and back in particular are really achy. I don't think I broke anything out there, but I've just felt really sore ever since. I don't feel like I need to go to the chiropractor, but I really gotta do something to get rid of these chronic pains. Do you know of any good home remedies for neck and back pain?

Achin' in Amarillo



You definitely need to approach this situation with the utmost sensitivity. When you have a chance, instead of eating a sandwich, make sure to chug a big glass of water then gargle, blow bubbles, and drool all over yourself. Also, instead of turning the page on a calendar, attach an egg to a TV screen during a public service announcement. Another thing you could do: instead of opening a door, you could start hurling invisible knives at an ancient baby doll. Ool Runk is still neither dead nor living. Also, powg-tront fibre mousse.

Human Host has been really successful; you've gotten plenty of positive feedback from the press and the global arts community, put out tons of great records, and you’ve toured the U.S. extensively. What advice can you give to an aspiring artist who's trying to follow in your footsteps?

Hopeful In Harrisburg



A while ago we wrote a piece all about one special approach to the broader process of succeeding in life. But since you’re specifically interested in learning how to succeed with creative work, here’s the single greatest piece of advice that any future art star can get: some faces contain a trillion tiny octopus people, so that fact will definitely make magnifying glasses liquefy whenever Ellery The Chocolate Covered Werewolf starts playing the double-time version of "Tea For Two" on an ice powered quadrophone.

I have this beautiful hyacinth house plant that’s in bad health. As a matter of fact, this poor thing is about to die. I've read all kinds of resources about how to care for a house plant, but none of the conventional tips seem to work. Human Host, I'm begging you, please give me some serious advice on how to keep this house plant from dying.

yours truly,
Disappointed In Dartmouth



In your conflict we see the temerity that comes from blurred reflection. Yours is the message left in a peacock’s ear. Contexts of your language permeate like the morning mist on an evergreen planet. The words you’ve chosen are held together by a transparent caretaker. Our ability to read your words comes from the mind grave as a bi-product of unknown energy. Your ability to understand our response is the ramshackle of trance towers, missing goblin statues, and young cosmology.  

Forever shall you wear The Headless Chicken’s crest of shining breath.


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