Jun 10, 2008, 08:42AM

A Little Me-Time

Ever dream of the day when your girlfriend walks in on you masturbating, then joins you with a sex toy, and then you could write all about it in a major city's weekly paper? Then Caleb Jenner of the New York Press is living your dream.

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It all started guiltily enough.

It was one of those warm winter Saturday afternoons and my girlfriend, Emily, told me she was going to go for a pedicure, eyebrow waxing and lunch with her rich Uncle Bill at the Russian Tea Room. I was looking at four or five hours of alone time in the apartment at least. And that meant plenty of opportunity for some private, one-on-one fun.

You know what I’m talking about.

Yes, we all keep our senses attuned to the perfect moment for masturbation. The shower’s great and all, but most of us like a little room to move around in, and some freedom to inspire ourselves with something a bit more tangible than memories of our first college threesome. I, for one, am fond of this thing they call the Internet; others opt for magazines or movies. Either way, there’s a lot to be said for privacy and the chance to let loose a little.

Or is there? I was about to learn otherwise.

  • Talk about masturbatory writing. Why would anyone commit this to print? In general, I seriously protest the idea, usually promoted by Baby Boomers—of all people—that my generation is the most self-absorbed in American history, but man, keep at least something private.

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  • what does furidous mean?

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  • Furidious Mabsturbation is a technique where two men (usually around the same height) on the same team and a donkey and monkey on another team, race each other... well nevermind. Also doesnt this dude have anything else to write about.

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  • "Edit: I just remembered I don't actually have a girlfriend..."

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  • This has to be completely made up. I'm sure these sex columnists routinely fabricate their material. I'd bet one out of five bears any resemblance to reality. Even something like Savage Love has to have fake stuff slip through.

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  • I'm not sure about that, Mr. Deities. It wouldn't surprise me if most of this stuff is real. It's exhibitionism, one of the most nauseating elements of current popular culture.

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