"As Mitch Hedberg once remarked, alcoholism is the only disease you can get yelled at for having. Drunks have been treated unfairly for far too long, and this injustice must be stopped. Alcohol has been a blessing for our society, and the people who drink it should not be ashamed. So I’m here to stand up for drunks, if only because they’re too drunk to stand on their own.
Alcohol is also the lifeblood of our economy. Forget oil – if Saddam Hussein had been sitting on top of massive whiskey reserves, America would have invaded Iraq twice as fast. (“Staying the course” would also be much more popular today.) And if you think the world would be better off without booze, just think of all the people who owe their livelihoods to alcohol, like bartenders, tattoo artists, and the makers of miniature umbrellas.
But I’m also defending alcohol for a personal reason: I like drunk people, and not just because they’re the only people willing to sleep with me. No, I also like drunks because they’re great conversationalists. They frequently give unforgettable compliments, such as “Dude, if I was a chick, I would totally [perform unspeakable acts upon] you.” No sober person would ever say that, or spend the next 20 minutes explaining how they’re “totally not gay, dude, not that there’s anything wrong with that.” But somehow, a drunk can make that sound charming.
