Pop Culture
May 16, 2008, 01:30PM

This Week's Post-Apocalyptic Countdown

Our weekly round-up of how human society's impending collapse will go down.

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8. Government ID Will Be Checked During Evacuations

Federal border patrol agents insist that even during hurricane evacuations checkpoints scanning for illegal immigrants will opertate. Anyone passing through the evacuation route might be forced to stop and present official ID, raising all sorts of harrowing questions about what the government would do should an actual citizen forget to bring their ID with them. Not like that would happen when you're escaping a hurricane, right? Instead of making it to safety, you'll be help by authorities when a mass evacuation is called for, like a hurricane or zombie attack.

7. Prototype Of Super Soldier Robot Suit Functional

Military technology developers have created a robot exoskeleton that lets a human bench press 200 lbs an astonishing 500 times. There are still power issues to overcome but hey, Ironman figured that out. Mere humans will have little chance in a fight against robot warriors. Of course, we here at Splice completely trust the government to use this kind of weaponry for good.

6. Vatican Admits Existence of Aliens

The eminences of the Catholic Church have declared aliens to be God's creatures. No word yet on exactly how tight the unholy Pope-Alien alliance is, but we're sure that whenever they decide to strike they could easily take over the world.

5. Wheat Fungus Threatens World's Food And Beer Supply

A special kind of fungus that kills wheat crops is spreading towards major agricultural areas in central Asia. No cure is currently known. The spread of this fungus could further drive up world food prices, increasing tensions in low-income countries. Americans might have to spend more money to get drunk.

4. Robot Conducts Human Symphony To Rapturous Applause

Japanese robot Asimo lead the Detroit Symphony Orchestra, which is made up of humans, in a performance from Man of La Mancha. We here at Splice Robot Overlord Tracking Headquarters thought that creativity and the arts were the one domain of humanity technology could never conquer, but apparently we were wrong. At least Asimo hasn't gotten his hands on one of those super soldier exoskeletons yet.

 3. Polar Bears Looking So Bad Even Bush Administration Admits Problem

The Department of the Interior added polar bears to the endangered species list this week because of rapidly decreasing sea ice levels in the Arctic Ocean. However, stubborn officials warned that this did not mean current policies regarding climate change would be affected. So Arctic oil and gas companies can keep on plugging away as far as our government is concerned, because any regulation of those industries would increase the price of energy. Sorry polar bears, but we need to fill up our Hummers! Good luck with that swimming thing.

2. Human Embryo Genetically Modified

Scientists are figuring out how to change the genes of human embryos, brining us one step closer to designer babies. They say the research is just for improving the usefulness of stem cells, but we here at Splice are suspicious the scientists are on their way to creating a race of superhumans. Hopefully the superhumans will take pity on us regular folk in their battle with the Robot Overlords.

1. Massive Earthquake Destroys Buildings In China, Kills Thousands

An enormous earthquake in a mountainous part of China has inflcited horrible damage, crumbling schools to the ground and trapping countless people in rubble. Entire villages have been wiped out, dams are cracking, and relief efforts are impaired by monster boulders blocking major roadways. China's government has been unable to help many of the victims. After the cyclone in Burma, for a second consecutive week monther nature has reminded us how quickly the fragility of our society can be exposed.


Should the apocalypse happen, here's a short video by Ann Everton to help prepare.


See any signs of the post-apocalypse? Email pete@splicetoday.com


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