Pop Culture
Apr 04, 2008, 01:24PM

My Gay Celebrity Boyfriend

With so many guys to choose from, a detailed deliberation is required to find the perfect match. A break-down of options. From The Cornell Daily Sun.

With the disappointing population of gays (who are actually out) at Cornell, and the dwindling likelihood of me becoming a wealthy Yale Law grad, I have decided to indulge in the prospects of snatching up a guy who is sufficiently famous or extremely wealthy and powerful.

I started to entertain this thought after I took a quiz on the-n.com to find out who my “Presidential Hottie Soulmate” is. Appropriately, this was my answer:

John F. Kennedy — The preppy president: JFK was like that popular guy at your school who’s not just rich and gorgeous and good at everything but also actually NICE. The quadruple threat. And that means that, to be his [boyfriend], you'd be fighting off basically every other [male] in the universe -- which would just make it all the sweeter when he picked you. Way too cool, confident, and original for flowers and standard romantic gestures, he’d probably surprise you with books he’d chosen just for you — because he’d love you for your brain as well as your style.

I’m glad that The N thinks I’m JFK material, but since he’s dead, I’ll have to find another wealthy and powerful dreamboat with a last name I can take to the bank.

First I came up with obvious people like Pete Doherty (insane drugged-out rockstar), Joe Francis (insane drugged-out softcore porn entrepreneur), and Conrad Hilton (Paris and Nicky’s little brother — he’s only 14, but I see a lot of potential). However, I quickly began to lust over more promising men of fame and power.

I’ve separated my top choices into gay icons, notable hotties, and powerful suit-wearing studs. I’ll start with the icons. First we have the actors: Jake Gyllenhal and Vin Diesel. Jake is every gay man’s celebrity crush. He’s not out, but everyone knows that this is just a media ploy to keep his job. He walks around with publicist-provided girlfriends, but the pictures always seem to depict a friendly situation between homo and fag-hag. He’s not the best actor ever, but his role in Brokeback was unsurprisingly very convincing. And on the more macho side, there’s Vin. When he talks he sounds like a drag queen on acid. And come on, nobody that buff, with a perfectly shaved head, and who makes movies with titles like XXX, The Fast And The Furious, and Boiler Room can possibly be straight.

Next are the flashier icons: Marc Jacobs, Christian Siriano, and (Lil’) Bow Wow. Marc is super chiseled and super famous. He could take me to parties full of coked-up models and go-go dancers, and I could wear amazing clothes all the time. Marc’s current boyfriend is a former drug addict/call boy and the two have a long history of breakups, so he’s just about ready for a rebound. Someone newly on the celebrity market might prove more interesting though. As every gay in North America knows, Christian is the most recent winner of Project Runway. While he isn’t nearly as famous as Marc, he would make me laugh all the time by overusing the word “fierce” and calling strangers “hot tranny messes.” Bow Wow is a bit of a gamble. I’m following the hopeful logic that since he was reportedly raped by his limo driver some years ago, he might have been psychologically damaged enough to switch teams. The alleged incident required many stitches, so as an act of consideration I’d let him pitch.

The next potentials are the guys famous for looking good: Jeff Gordon, Kentm, and Mario Lopez. Jeff is definitely hot, but mostly I just want a wealthy white-trash icon by my side to parade around the rural town where I grew up. Kentm, of Matel fame, is perhaps one of the world’s most recognizable hotties. Little girls and boys have lusted over his square jaw and broad shoulders since the 1960s. His only downside is that he lacks the appropriate equipment for love-making, but fortunately, he wouldn’t be in a straight relationship. Kentm’s shortcomings could actually be a good thing because I’ll always be confidently larger in comparison and there would be no confusion over relationship roles in the sack. Lastly we have Mario: the beautiful statuesque Latino who has had my heart since I first set eyes on A.C. Slater. Beyond his dimples, Mario is also the host of my favorite show on television: America’s Best Dance Crew. I bet he could get the JabbaWockeeZ to perform at our engagement party or wedding shower.

The last category is reserved for some of the cutest faces in world politics: John Edwards, Sultan Qaboos of Oman, and General David Petraeus. John is more than just a doll-faced liberal with presidential ambitions — he’s also secretly filthy rich and spends his money on things like mansions and personal grooming. I think our relationship could work; especially because the wife (bless her heart) will be out of the picture soon enough, so I won’t have to nag him about leaving her. Not to sound insensitive or presumptuous, but I’d make a better First Lady anyways. Or perhaps I’d prefer a politician who appreciates the meaning of free love. Even though he isn’t officially out, everyone in Oman knows the Sultan’s barely hidden secret. He doesn’t even try to hide his male preference as is evidenced by the ornate building across from the palace where he keeps his harem of boys. These boys — often from India or Oman — are often seen driving around the streets of Muscat in their pricey Porsches. I’m willing to bet that there aren’t too many Americans in Qaboos’s boys’ club, which makes me an excellent candidate for the position. Lastly, and perhaps most enticing, is Petraeus. He’s the Commanding General of the U.S. forces in Iraq, is considered to be a likely presidential candidate for the future, and graduated at the top of his class at Princeton for his MPA and PhD in International Relations. This guy is smart, important and knows a lot of secrets. I know he’s politically conservative, but I’d be perfectly complacent with a Don’t Ask Don’t Tell situation as long as he promised to jumpstart my own political career.

If I’m going to make it far in this world, I’m going to need someone really hot and important on my arm.


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