—In the family of nations, Britain is the old man with the urine stain on his pants.
—The communist nations proved that communism doesn’t work. The other countries keep proving that capitalism doesn’t have to.
—All Germany wanted was to give Europe a hug.
—Canada is a nation of chips traveling on shoulders.
—American exceptionalism is the belief that, no matter what appearances may indicate, no other country is great in the same way as America. Canadian patriotism is the desperate hope that American exceptionalism is correct.
—America sends money down south to buy drugs, then sends weapons to fight drug traffickers. Canada would be a lot livelier if America was addicted to moose.
—Not even the English like the English, and I’m not going to do it for them.
—If Russia were a person, nobody would wait at the same bus stop with it.
—If America were a person, it would keep borrowing $20 from China and take the taxi everywhere.
—People in Japan just want attention. As soon as the foreigners aren’t looking, the Japanese put away their octopus paintings and jerk off to RuPaul like normal people.
—Belgium, Austria, Portugal, New Zealand and Oklahoma started a support group for geographical entities that feel inferior. But Canada couldn’t get in.
—New Zealanders resent Australians for looking down on them. Australians resent the British for looking down on them. Americans also resent the British for looking down on them, and the British resent Americans for everything, for absolutely everything there is.
—The best thing about all this is that it’s true yet still a joke.
—If it weren’t for Canada, America’s toupee might blow off in the wind.
—England conquered the world in search of a chin. Finally the English gave up and went home. Still no chin.