Once again the holiday season has snuck up on us in its obnoxious, unavoidable way. Let’s get stressed out about money and spend more time with our dysfunctional families so we can drink more. Yay!
For those of us who are forced to appear to function well during the holidays but have an inner green Seuss monster grinching its way out at every turn, it can be exhausting. Smile at the kids’ holiday concerts! Wrap gifts! Decorate the house like you work for Martha Stewart!
I say, what if we took a year to truly embrace our inner mean ones? Can being as cuddly as a cactus and as charming as an eel be all that bad?
So for those who, like me, don’t think it’s an insult to be told you have have garlic in your souls and agree that a seasick crocodile can actually be adorable, here are 10 ways to embrace your inner Grinch this holiday season.
1.) Do not go to the mall. Malls are evil. There is holiday cheer everywhere you look, and spending money will just make you hate your life more. Seeing kids asking Santa for stuff is the national symbol of consumer-driven, disgusting Americana, and if they’re your own kids and they ask for stuff that costs a fortune, you will just be even more pissed, so just skip the mall altogether as though it does not even exist. Ditto big box retail.
2.) Plastic or glass, bitches? Since you will not be going to major stores because they will force you to cross over from “grinchy” to “stabby,” instead buy iTunes or other gift cards (at the grocery store), instant lottery tickets and/or booze for everyone you are forced to give gifts to and call it a day.
3.) The Gift of Sweet Silence Do not play Christmas music. Have you ever noticed that Christmas songs either make you cry, feel like shit about yourself and the holidays, or both? Why torture yourself. You’re a foul one. You have the power to turn the music off.
4.) Don’t Send Christmas Cards Obviously. And then simply do not open the ones you know have obnoxious Christmas letters in them unless you want to get drunk with someone and make fun of the people sending them.
5.) What holiday parties? Your soul is full of gunk, so duh, you’re not going. Period. RSVP politely with an excuse about something the kids are in at school, get sick with something intestinal, whatever you need to do to avoid stressing out about what to wear to some pesky social event you didn’t want to go be fake nice to people at anyway. Stay home and watch a horror movie instead. It will be less terrifying.
6.) Decorate My Ass. Have the only house on the block with no Christmas lights. Let your neighbors go all Clark Griswold while you save on your electric bill.
7.) Fuck Baking. Christmas cookies are both overrated and fattening. Someone who has termites in his or her smile really shouldn’t be baking anyway. No one likes termites in their cookies.
8.) Avoid Holiday Cheermeisters. People who are overly excited about the holidays and their dizzying blend of condescension and over-stimulation need to be avoided if you are going to embrace your heart’s contents of unwashed socks.
9.) Be Jewish. Seriously? This religion has been doing it right all along. They don’t have to do any of this Christmas shit. Is it too late to convert to Judaism? Hell no, Mr. Grinch. Pass the dreidel.
10.) Skip the Bedford Falls Train Station. Do not watch It’s a Wonderful Life. Sneak in A Christmas Story or A Charlie Brown Christmas if you absolutely must, but stay the hell away from Jimmy Stewart’s drunk, suicidal ass and that hairy-eyebrowed angel.