Pop Culture
Jan 31, 2011, 08:15AM

$1 Trillion Lawsuit Blames P. Diddy For Pretty Much Everything

Which would explain a lot, actually.

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Today is the day of reckoning for Sean “Puff Daddy/P.Diddy/Diddy/Diddy Dirty Money” Combs, as a Los Angles Superior Court judge oversees a hearing on a $1 trillion lawsuit filed against the musician that alleges, among other things, Combs’ involvement with the destruction of the World Trade Center, failing to provide child support for a now 23-year-old man, and withholding a zillion-dollar betting chip that the plaintiff won at a Mississippi casino.

The suit, filed by Valerie Joyce Wilson Turks (and viewable here), maintains that Combs began his relatively inexplicable reign of terror against her circa 1987: “He date raped me 24 years ago and knocked me down him and Kim Porter and Wallace Wright, then Sean Combs and Kim and Wallace came back 18 years later and raped and sexually abused my children and knocked my children down and crushed me and my children daily.”

Stunning allegations, made all the more shocking when one considers that Combs’ ex-girlfriend Porter would have been about 15 at the time of the original assault. Wright, a wide receiver for the Carolina Panthers, was an even more astonishing three years old, thus exposing everybody else’s claims for their own child’s precocity for the clattering cock-and-bull that they are.
(To be fair, there seems to be some uncertainty as to whether the Wright in question is indeed the Panthers receiver; Turks could well mean British war hero Brigadier General Wallace Duffield Wright, whose death in 1953 should, it is hoped, not unduly bias the court in its deliberations.)

But Combs’ once-a-score assaults upon the body of Turks are not his only sins against the woman. Per the lawsuit: “I won a lot of money at the casino in Mississippi and Sean P. Diddy Combs has my chip to my money. I heard he gave it to Gwen Allen to hold but she can not cash it in. I want my chip please help me. it’s [sic] well worth over 100 zillions of dollars, and my hospital keys. They put me and my baby in the hospital and broke my baby 2 legs and sexual assaulted my children and crushed us.”

Again with the crushing! And this time abetted by Gwen Allen, which may or may not be a reference to the role that Jean Harlow played in the 1931 Cagney classic The Public Enemy.  Alas, the multi-zillion-dollar chip is not further identified, though a quick visit to “the” casino in Mississippi would obviously satisfy all inquiries. One trusts that the judge will approve a fact-finding trip to that casino to determine why it’s in the habit of giving out such chips, and why it has Turks’ hospital keys.

But can we actually trust the government to do right in this case? After all, as Turks says, “[Diddy] went through Kim Porter and Rodney King and knocked down the WTC and then they all came and knocked my children down. Set me up to be on disability and disabled my baby. he [sic] put my baby in a wheelchair.”

No crushing this time, but certainly the government is aware of the involvement of Diddy, the increasingly sinister Porter, and King (whose famed “Can’t we all just get along?” plea now rings falsely indeed in all of our ears) in the felling of the twin towers. Why are these brigands so intent on knocking down and/or crushing so many things and people? Freud, or at the very least Moe Howard, would doubtless have quite a bit to say about this sort of behavior. You know, if they weren’t, like General Wright, dead.

Turks’ lawsuit seeks $900 billion in child support, and another $100 billion for “loss of income.” The total of $1 trillion may lead some to dismiss the entire legal action as, at the very least, an economic absurdity (but who really knows how much Combs raked in from that “Hello Good Morning” single?)—but I would remind them that Turks is actually out well above $100 zillion.

To date, Combs’ representatives have risibly “declined to comment.” But with his villainy now laid bare for all to see, it would seem only right that Combs forego putting the legal system through years of wrangling, and simply settle for something in the $250 billion-$10 kazillion range.

After all, reputations are at stake.

  • Absolute awesomeness on the article Kevin! I think I may go out now and sue my dead grandma's ghost for $38.24 billion for loss of income when I put work on hold to care for her, my dog another $80 tril for emotional suffering that time I had to clean up after him in the park, and that queen I saw out @ gay bingo last yr, another 5forty and purple zillion dollars, because gay or straight, the outfit he/she had on caused such physical trauma to my eyes that my eggs, my future babies and their invisible friends will be blind...and that's just crushing. I of course will give you a 10% finders fee, if you can locate any casino chips I may have lost in the last 50 yrs of my 30+ yr old life. As the good Dr. MLK said...I have a dream...that someday, even schizophrenics off their meds will have the right to sue A-list celebs, for even the most ludicrous of things. When does Gloria Allred arrive on scene?

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  • I knew there was a reason he keeps changing his name.

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  • He wants to call himself "Diddy Money," this is what he gets...

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