Politics & Media
Sep 23, 2019, 05:57AM

Storm 51 Areas

These other places still hold mysteries!

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“Storm Area 51” was the slogan of the event that began this past Friday in Nevada. It predictably yielded a few dozen people standing in the desert near that off-limits military facility and a couple of others arrested for trespassing—but there are plenty of other locations currently in the news that inspire fear and might cough up more answers if visited by enough activists. Below are 50 more for your consideration.

Storm Fox News and you might get farther than I have when I was actually invited to the place. Three times I’ve been asked to their building in midtown Manhattan, each time told that whatever the problem was that got me blocked by security on prior visits had been cleared up… and each time nonetheless told once more to beat it when I arrived as scheduled in the lobby. As I’ve written before, the first time this happened, Fox host Kennedy was supposed to interview me about, yes, UFOs. The mystery remains. Trust no one, I learned the hard way, hard as I try to get along with people.

Storm Courtney Love’s house and you’d not only be meeting one of Kennedy’s other former pals but following in the footsteps of Jeffrey Epstein’s pal Prince Andrew, since Love claims the drunken royal, who had been introduced to her by Epstein, showed up at her door late one night looking for sex.

Storm Jeffrey Epstein’s island, as some online rabble-rousers have suggested, and my guess is that by now you’d find nothing, but some say that tools and cement were brought in around the time of the billionaire pedophile’s death, as if, perhaps, some final secrets were literally being buried.

Storm Ed Buck’s house while at it, since the rich Democrat donor apparently used his L.A.-area home as a drug and sex den. The most recent man to o.d. there after Buck injected him with drugs was luckier than the two who died in prior incidents, this one having fled when Buck refused to help get him medical attention. Nearly causing death #3 may be a bridge too far for Buck’s previously tolerant Democrat acquaintances.

Storm Storms might be a good name for any future iterations of the Climate Strike for global warming awareness that took place the same day that the Storm Area 51 event started.

Storm the Fed, suggested some of my fellow libertarians online, and doing so now might be apt given the worrying dollar-pumping going on at the New York branch.

Storm Brad Pitt right now and I wonder if you’d learn the whole Area 51 protest was started as a viral marketing campaign for Pitt’s sci-fi movie Ad Astra, which came out the same day.

Storm theaters showing Rambo: Last Blood instead and I’ll bet you meet a very different crowd, though one that shares an interest in southwestern desert military facilities.

Storm the home of YouTuber Tyler Glockner from UFO channel SecureTeam10 and I suspect you’ll find out he’s very depressed. After years of near-daily posts, he took August off due to unspecified family problems, just prior to the big Area 51 event, which should be right up his alley. Worst-case scenario from a viewer’s perspective would be if he decided the whole topic area is nonsense, but even if so, I think he should trust many of his fans would forgive him and look forward to whatever he did next. Life and the Net always offer new possibilities.

Storm the Pentagon and you might bump into someone interested in UFOs, apparently, since a Pentagon official just admitted those UFO videos released in 2017 were real, albeit not terribly revealing. I’m not sure this admission has yet affected public discourse as much as it logically should.

Storm a pet shelter and rescue some animals—not by breaking in but just by offering to take an unwanted pet home. You’ll please some pet shelter staffers who seized the occasion of the Area 51 event to put antennae and sci-fi props on their animals and urge people to make first contact with them.

Storm The Washington Post, by contrast, and you might find the writers and editors there who recently declared, “The Dog Is One of the World’s Most Destructive Mammals. Brazil Proves It.” I’m sure Brazil has some messy, eco-unfriendly dogs, but if we can’t accommodate a species as awesome as dogs, I can’t imagine who we’re saving the planet for.

Storm the Midwest FurFest convention of costumed furries, thought alt-right personality Milo Yiannopoulos, but he got banned, which some might say equals hitting rock bottom. You know, that little North Carolina boy who claimed a talking bear kept him safe while he was lost in the woods was only about a half-hour drive from that state’s first furries convention. Maybe Milo should interview him.

Storm Loch Ness and you’ll find a surprising amount of eel DNA, scientists now say, and that may explain a great deal.

Storm the elite Dalton School in Manhattan, where Epstein taught math, and you might get a chance to ask them if the misappropriated funds from Boys and Girls Clubs of America that reportedly found their way to the school during its founding had any ties to Epstein or his pals, who seem to have played as fast and loose with funds as with kids. Are kids fungible currency among the elite, you have to wonder?

Storm the Net with tons of evidence the gatekeepers of mainstream media would never fully examine because you live in your basement and have no loyalty to the establishment. Their time is ending. Hasten that process.

Storm the headquarters of Facebook and its subsidiary Snapchat and you’ll surely not be welcomed if you’re carrying a gun, since those two sites are now banning and removing any positive depictions of guns—even shooting ranges—as purported promotion of violence. (Who needs far-fetched conspiracy theories when narrative-shaping companies this sleazy plainly exist?) But people die at Facebook HQ even in the absence of guns, it appears, since one worker there threw himself off the building last week.

Storm the think tank Center for Progress if you get bored now that the affiliated site ThinkProgress is gone and you’d arguably be acting in a fashion after the heart of the Center’s founder, John Podesta. He may not have been storming Area 51 on Saturday, but he is, after all, a non-joking longtime advocate of UFO disclosure. Maybe the Center has interesting files.

Storm Congress and you may soon find former CIA agent Valerie Plame there, since she’s running for office, from the state that gave us Roswell. She’s far from the only former intel agent to run in recent years, whatever that tells us about the system.

Storm Snapchat for no reason besides idle rumor and you’ll be no crazier than all the people who dutifully organized protests against a high school student who was declared a serial sexual assailant in a viral prank in New Hampshire with no evidence against him, and no accusers. Society will end in a flash mob.

Storm the NFL, by contrast, and you’ll find a fair number of bad people like the former player who appears to have trashed his own business in the latest in the endless string of fake hate crimes. People don’t just cry wolf these days, they shriek it eternally in an unholy chorus.

Storm Ilhan Omar’s family tree in an effort to investigate whether she was married to her own brother for a time to thwart immigration restrictions, and you’ll hear some shrieking from the mainstream media (and her office) accusing you of xenophobia, though scams happen, and I don’t entirely blame people for trying to outwit the byzantine immigration maze, to be honest.

Storm the Supreme Court to vent your rage at Justice Kavanaugh and you’d save a lot of effort currently expended on just trying to wear him down with poorly-sourced allegations, the latest a secondhand assault allegation relayed by an old associate of his who just happens to have been Bill Clinton’s lawyer. Weak stuff.

Storm the writers' rooms of every show that uses a variant on the line “There’s a storm coming in” and you could demand royalties from them to be paid to James Cameron, since that was the near-final line of the original Terminator.

Storm everything. But let me pick up the pace in the second half and give you 26 more quick suggestions.

Storm “State 51,” or rather, Storm the Moon and you can be part of the small, coincidentally-timed movement urging the U.S. to annex that celestial body as the 51st state.

Storm Ukraine and you can be part of the self-harming herd of journalists and Democrats who think they’ll embarrass Trump by looking into his doings there, almost certainly succeeding only in drawing more attention to Biden’s far weirder dealings there, since Biden and Kerry appear to have gotten their relatives sweet gigs there on the boards of fuel companies.

Storm other countries in a search for someplace whistleblower Edward Snowden can use as refuge, and you’d apparently hear they’d gotten stern calls from the aforementioned Biden and Kerry warning there’d be consequences for anyone who harbored Snowden.

Storm Charlie Rose’s office, given a new harassment lawsuit against him, and they say you might well have seen him walking around with his pants off back in the day.

Storm the office of NBC’s Matt Lauer, by contrast, and apparently you risked not being able to storm back out, since he had a button on his desk that locked hapless women in. That’s some serious Bond villain stuff, but mainstream media breeds such personalities by the hundred.

Storm the performances of comedian Shane Gillis, who was just fired by NBC, by contrast, and you’ll just find things like a guy making fun of foreign accents.

Storm many places besides Gotham City the day after Storm Area 51 and you’d find signal lights lit up in honor of Global Batman Day, which would’ve been a beautiful way to rally the counter-attack if there had turned out to be hostile aliens at Area 51.

Storm the Clintons’ home and who knows what you’d find (if it hasn’t been deleted or shredded), but like Podesta’s place it might include some more notes on extraterrestrials, since the Clintons, like their advisor Podesta, have expressed interest in learning more on that topic.

Storm the whole tech sector, and you can ask them how they united to take down all the Area 51 livestreams during that supposedly silly event. Another algorithmic mystery that doesn’t seem to have been caused by the bots alone.

Storm porn star Bridget the Midget’s apartment, or maybe her boyfriend’s, elsewhere in Nevada and you may find an explanation of why she stabbed the boyfriend in the leg and got arrested.

Storm government in general.

Storm business while you’re at it.

Storm religion, too.

Storm nature, the original perplexing forbidden zone.

(Desert) storm Saudi Arabia.

Storm fashion, the pretentious jerks.

Storm education, and I don’t mean that in a union way.

Storm art, and they’ll probably be happy you did, the loons.

Storm the music concert stage lately and you might hear the creation of a live Foo Fighters album—with a Roswell-theme—dedicated to the Storm Area 51 event, even though Roswell is over in New Mexico. It’s the thought that counts.

Storm the office of that UFO-researching Blink 182 lead singer and I bet you’d find he’s just a straight-up con man, though, and having pals from the Pentagon doesn’t automatically instill confidence on that front.

Storm suburbia and you’re apparently more likely to find a bald eagle than in decades past, which is as good a metaphor for a changing culture as any you could ask for.

Storm Google if you’re tempted to tell them you’re offended by their new assertion of “quantum supremacy.”

Storm that new interstellar object they say is careening through our solar system, almost like another Oumuamua, if you want interstellar visitors so badly.

Storm piles of dry policy papers. I mean, all the conspiracy theory ranting of the sort that spawned the preceding suggestions for things to storm has been a fine coping mechanism for the Trump era, but we have to prep for at least the occasional serious policy thought during the 2020 campaign season, don’t we? Please?

And let’s just take a relaxing moment to contemplate music next week in this column—including Morrissey—and put all the above conflict behind us. He jokingly called himself “Hurricane Dorian Gray” at a recent concert in Queens, so you might say next week I recount deciding to Storm one of the stormier Smiths.

—Todd Seavey is the author of Libertarianism for Beginners and is on Twitter at @ToddSeavey.


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