Politics & Media
Jun 27, 2012, 09:59AM

How To Draw a Portrait of Mitt Romney

You know, for campaigning purposes and what not.

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1. Get ahold of some paper somehow.

2.    Grab a pencil. Better yet, make it an “Excellence In Broadcasting” pencil. Sharpen that sucker.

3.    You’ll need a ballpoint pen, too.

4.    Make sure that the ballpoint pen you stole actually works.

5.    Note: If you ripped the aforementioned materials off from a store, do yourself a favor: get out of the store before using the stolen materials to draw your portrait of Mitt Romney.

6.    At the very bottom of the page, using the pencil, write the following in a flowing, curlicue-decorated script: “FEEL THE MAGIC.”

7.    Slightly above that, in larger block letters, write: “ROMNEY 2012.”

8.    Admire your handiwork.

9.    Aside: You know who else used to steal art supplies from stores? J.J. Evans on Good Times.

10. Carefully ink over the penciling. Then put aside the writing utensils.

11. Google “weathervane.” Study some photographs of weathervanes for a while.

12. There’s nothing even remotely weird about staring at weathervanes.

13. Returning to your pencil, sketch a weathervane at the top of the page. The weathervane should appear slightly bent.

14. Optional: astride the weathervane, add a freakish rooster attired like Two-Face from the Batman comics.

15. Ink that mother out.

16. Notice that there’s still a big space in the middle of the page.

17. Declare the portrait complete.

18. Reconsider.

19. Draw the arms of a suit, extending down at angles from where the torso aspect of the suit should appear.

20. Complete the torso aspect of the suit.

21. Add pants.

22. Garnish with cuffs and a collar.

23. Ink as necessary.

24. Thumbtack portrait to the forehead of the local Republican chairperson.

25. Repeat as necessary.


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