Jul 24, 2013, 07:57AM

Eighteen More Obnoxious Facebook Users

Watch out for the emoticon maniac and delusional host.

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See Part One: The 31 Types of Facebook Users and Part Two: Twelve More Facebook User Types

The Hashtag Samurai. You unfailingly conclude each and every post with a hashtag that is both unnecessary and not illuminating.

The Too-Voluble Aquarian. You use Facebook as a sounding board for potential million-dollar ideas.

The Mad Shutterbug. You shoot billions of photos and post them all with little to no regard for quality or relevance. For you, gross quantity is next to Godliness; you're the Gucci Mane of obsessive-compulsive smart-phone photography.

The Selfie Freak. You're similar to the Adonis, except that you plaster your Wall with daily selfies of yourself wearing different outfits, in different poses, with the same dimwitted expression on your face.

The Emoticon Maniac. Words escape you with an alarming frequency, but who needs words when emoticons exist? Emoticons are so phat.

Ms. Consistent. You post the same message with minor variations every morning, purporting to offer your friends a continuum of familiarity and comfort.

The Collector. You just randomly try to become friends with pretty much everyone, regardless of whether you're acquainted with them on any level whatsoever.

The Delusional Host. You invite me to thousands of events occurring hundreds of miles away from where I am, constantly, even though I have never given any indication that I want to attend, because technology allows you to.

The Den Mother. You are a magnetic woman author of a certain age who loads of people adore and respect, and everything you post attracts 50-100 "Likes" within 24 hours, almost without fail.

The Twitter Bug. You are given to the belief that cross-pollinating your Twitter posts with Facebook is some sort of social-media savvy.

The Poobah of Puns. You are fond of dumb, dumb in-jokes, and you like to share.

The Absent-Minded Pup-Tent Erector. You set up a lot of groups and pages that you rarely maintain or elaborate upon, in a sort of corollary to the Absentee Landlord.

The Gallup Pollster. You'll flip a post into a "click Like if yes"/"post if no" referendum at the drop of a hat.

The Arranger. You are constantly organizing on-the-fly trips and looking for people to come along.

The Not-So-Accidental Tourist. You are a stranger in a strange land and would appreciate recommendations from locals or friends in the know on places to eat, sleep, or seek amusement.

The Love Ones. If you aren't one of these, then you probably know 20. Yes, you do. They are people who love one another too much, or who spend an inordinate amount of time professing their love for one another, or noting that they miss one another, or posting photographs of themselves holding hands or nuzzling or kissing or embracing, and ultimately it's difficult to say whether this outpouring of affection is real or overcompensation for some underlying dysfunctions that the posts of both parties only hint at. It's all bullshit; no one is this fucking content this frequently, and if they are, they shouldn't see the need to broadcast it.

The Interlocutor. You are tagged in others' photos very, very often, to an almost disturbing extent.

The Lenny Kravitz. You're a hitchhiker, basically.

  • I feel somewhat lucky to have a Facebook feed I love and enjoy reading. Then again I don't have any annoying coworkers, and not too many religious friends....I can't imagine what it must've been like after the Zimmerman verdict for people with less......'enlightened' friends.

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