I wrote once before about the first day of my fabulous career as a volunteer cheese-fry maker. The high school football game concession stand is the biggest fundraiser for the marching band in which my daughter's the incoming Drum Major. So I volunteer under the Friday night lights. Although there are several jobs available during games (candy/soda, taking the money, running the grill, putting cheeseburgers and hot dogs on buns, making hot chocolate), I continue to choose cheese fry maker. I’d burn myself on the grill, eat all the candy and spill the hot chocolate, so even though cheese fry maker is by far the most stressful job there because of the 600+ orders of fries you process during a busy football game, I thrive on the chaos.
Here’s why I don’t work at the order window. First, I hate most people and I’d see many of them at the window and have to talk to them. No thanks. Second, no way am I facing down that line of 100 cold people that continues for three hours straight. They’re often cranky and bossy and little kids never know what they want so they just stand there and stare and hold up the line and that leads me to the main reason I can’t work the window, which is that people are annoying.
Here are some questions they ask, with the answers I’d give if I worked at the window in parentheses.
“Do you have anything that’s gluten free?” (No, dipshit, have you looked at the menu? We have hot dogs and burgers and fries. It’s not a fucking Whole Foods. NEXT!)
“Can I get the fries extra crispy?” (No, princess, we don’t make custom fry orders here and we’re sure not going to stop the entire operation to double-fry a batch for you. CHEESE OR NO CHEESE, those are your options. NEXT!)
"Do you take credit cards?" (No, honey, and your order total is $2.50. Go ask your friends for change, and tell your parents to stop handing you a credit card when you're going to a place that still takes old fashioned money. NEXT!)
“Can I get a Kit Kat?” (No, moron, because as you can see from the CANDY THAT’s RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOU, we don’t have those. We can’t shut down the stand to go to the 7-11 and get you a Kit Kat, so why don’t you eat some M&Ms or Skittles and move along? NEXT!)
“Do you have a copy of the ingredients in your menu items?” (What the hell do we look like, an artisan bakery? It’s a damn concession stand. Our ingredients consist of things that aren’t good for you. Get a Sprite and some nachos and get your nutrition when you get home. NEXT!)
So you can see why I don’t work at the window, and why it’s better to just put my head down, place French fries in paper boats, and do that as quickly and efficiently as possible until the clock runs out on the football game. Also: free cheese fries. Bonus.