Jun 17, 2008, 09:14AM

Sex And The City In Partnership With…Everyone!

There’s no reason to despair now that you’ve seen the most-anticipated film in decades! An innovative line of new products will get you through the post SATC blahs.

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Sex and the City finally opened in theaters two weeks ago to the relief of hysterical women everywhere. Most of us, of course, saw the movie on the weekend of its release. We’d waited so long! It was finally here! We sat in our seats shivering in anticipatory excitement as the lights went down…

…and then the lights went up. Whether it was good or bad, it was finally over. We filed out of the theater elated by the fulfillment of such a long build-up, yet also somehow sad, tasting perhaps what the French call the “little death.” In the wake of the Sex and the City premier, we found ourselves aimless, going through the motions but without purpose—a Lost Generation. Thrust suddenly into a post SATC world, how were we to live? How could we now, after having seen what we’ve seen, return to a life of twice weekly TBS reruns? From the moment I left the theater two weeks ago, I found myself depressed, asking the same question over and over again. In the immortal words of Carrie Bradshaw, I couldn’t help but wonder, What now?

To get through these difficult post SATC times, many women, not surprisingly have turned to shopping therapy for their post SATC succor. Lucky for us, in beneficent response to the conspicuous vacuum the premier left in all our hearts, businesses have continued to launch SATC brand products! In addition to the Vitamin Water we saw the sexy ladies drinking on screen, or Mercedes Benz acting as official automobile sponsor for the film, SATC related offers are popping up across the country with small and big businesses alike getting into the act.

And so it is for you, my sexy and fabulous readers out there, that I have compiled this list of the most essential Sex and the City tie-in deals of the coming year to keep you and your families living fabulously from the cradle to the grave.

Sex and the City Brake Fluid

For a cougar on the hunt, stealth is everything lest she scare away her hot young prey. That’s why knowing cougars fill their cars with SATC brand brake fluid. Don’t announce your presence with squeaky brakes, announce it with your still sizzlin’ bod! This summer, New Line Cinema in partnership with Mercedes Benz, Pennzoil, and KY, is introducing the official SATC brand Brake Fluid, dubbed affectionately, “Samantha’s Lubricant.” Cougar ladies, listen up: Don’t let dryness stand in your way! With “Sam’s Lube” your car will be wet, purring and ready for anything. Ask for it at the pump.

Sex and the City Anti-fungal

Carrie, Samantha, Miranda, and Charlotte—and now… Gold Bond! The fifth best friend of the four most fabulous New Yorkers is Gold Bond Anti-fungal, because sometimes beauty is more than pain; sometimes beauty is foot fungus. Wearing Manolos without socks may be de rigueur, but it also creates a breeding ground for bacteria. Gold Bond Anti-fungal, now in a limited edition Pink Powder, is the official anti-fungal of Sex and the City, and the sexy choice for women who, fun and fearless like Carrie, choose not to wear socks, but to jump into life, like they do their Manolos—feet first!

Sex and the City Deli Meats

Spice up your sex life and turn your cold cuts into hot cuts with official Sex and the City Brand Deli Meats. You won’t be able to resist stuffing these meats in your mouth! Now available at supermarkets nation wide, defrost your icebox with these hot cold cuts! Because as Carrie would say, there’s nothing betta than Gouda sex!

Samantha: “I love making sandwiches. I love bologna. I love ham. Every now and then, I want nice aged salami, other times, it’s fresh turkey I crave. Occasionally, I’ll have ‘em all at once. Sometimes, with a sexy Swiss on top, if you know what I mean.  I love all meats. I could spread my condiments over a nice piece of meat all day. I can’t get enough of [Sex and the City deli meats]!”

Sex and the City Single Mother-Daughter Lice Kit

At the end of this long hot summer, fabulous single moms know they must be prepared for the inevitable. SATC Rid is your official BFF in those trying times when your daughter returns from sleep-away camp and you return from his place, and realize: you’ve brought back some unwanted souvenirs. Now you can treat your condition together with Rid’s SATC Mother-Daughter Lice Kit, gentle enough for both scalp and groin. Delousing doesn’t have to be a nightmare anymore. Rid encourages you to embrace these bittersweet coming of age moments as an opportunity for bonding, and wants to make it easier with these adorable matching pink combs! What better time to have that awkward sex talk with your daughter than when your combing out nits and sharing laughs over one of mother nature’s more itchy practical jokes. Go our and get your kit today. You wouldn’t miss her first step for the world, and nor should you miss this!

Sex and the City Finishing School

Gone are the days of preparing girls for a life of matrimony. Our program prepares young girls for an adult life of single fabulousness! Girls will be instructed in: Third Date Theory and Practice, Brunching, Hand-Job Administration (for young Charlottes), How To Have Sex Like A Man (for your precocious Samanthas), and Holding Back Your Girlfriend’s Hair When She’s Drunk Too Many Cosmopolitans. Give your daughter a head start and send her to SATC finishing school where young girls are given the tools they will need to effectively mask desperation long into their adult years. Choose SATC finishing school, because you’re never too young to start being single!

Coming in 2009 to Orlando, Florida, Walt Disney in cooperation with New Line will open The Official Sex and the City Theme Park

Be the first to ride the “NYC Subway Rollercoaster,” where train delays are the least of your worries! Brave the scary ups and downs of “Menopause Mountain.” Experience virtual clubbing in the park’s “Haunted Bungalow 8”: After waiting for hours behind a velvet rope, endure humiliating treatment by the Haunted Bungalow’s Surly Doorman before being turned away finally because he’s deemed you less than fabulous. If you do make it past, further adventures await inside! Spend a fortune on sugary cocktails, but not before you fight the crowds of fabulous singles in a zombie rush toward the bar. Sexy visitors beware! Is that an undead ghoul beside you or a denizen of the fabulous NYC nightlife? Notice the cackling laughter of aging beauties echoing throughout the Haunted Bungalow. Catch a glimpse of yourself in the “enchanted mirror” behind the bar above the bottles showing how you will look 30 years from now. Don’t scream! Your tour of the Haunted Bungalow 8 is nearly complete, as you attempt over and over to get the attention of a much younger model/bartender who will pretend not to see you no matter how much you wave your money or call to her, “Another round of Cosmos please, for me and my friends!”

Or take a walk through the park’s “Pink Light District,” and get on line for the ride of all rides, Samantha’s “It’s a Small [Penis] After All!” After boarding a small watercraft you will be ferried on a tour featuring installations of fabulously dressed animatronic dolls maneuvering through each of Samantha’s storied sexual positions from Season One through Season Six, all to the looping tune that gives the ride its name. In addition, beginning at midnight every night, the park will host a parade down “The Bowery,” featuring fabulous middle-aged single women, flamboyantly dressed gay men, and a fireworks display.

Sex and the City Monopoly for Couples

Women don’t buy real estate; they marry into it. Compete with your friends to be the woman behind the man behind Baltic Avenue! Choose how best to spend his money: A coveted pool membership? Rent out the New York Public Library for your wedding? Hope the dice don’t land your husband in white-collar prison. Play to see which couple can survive the catastrophic spending as you and your girlfriends reach to and pay for higher and higher heights of fabulousness!

Ken Burns’ 10-part Sex and the City Documentary, Coming this Fall to PBS

Excerpted from the film: “It was to be the [episode] to end all [episodes], an event like the world had never seen. On May 30, four sexy women came together in an allied force to fight the evil male Hun on the Upper East Side. Sarah Jessica Parker, aka Carrie, had been warning the public for some time of a gathering storm. Kim Cattrall, aka “Uncle Samantha,” was the last to join the allies, sympathetic to the cause, yet adhering to an isolationist policy that made her reluctant to involve herself directly in the fight. After much pleading and negotiations, on May 30, 2008 the premier was declared. There were many casualties and the fear of defeat was palpable as the film progressed into its second hour. Finally with the help of good old “Uncle Samantha” the allies rallied and emerged victorious. The male leader, Mr. Big was subdued. A marriage contract was signed, stripping the evil Hun of all his power.

“In the wake of the film some sexy singles campaigned to create a League of Bitches that would meet regularly over brunch to discuss their affairs and thus ensure such a threat might never rise again, but dates were difficult to pin down as schedules varied. It wouldn’t be long before winds gathered again and the male of the Upper East Side would start to reclaim power, first by becoming a regular at a small Polish restaurant near his apartment. As the threat grows now, women all over the world have begun to speculate; would a second SATC be necessary? And, with Cynthia Nixon having recently “switched teams,” on which side would the Red vixen fight?”

Sex and the City Medical Supplies on Route 110 on Long Island

Sick in the City? Don’t despair. Convalesce fabulously with our special issue pink gauze, pink I.V. bags, pink respirators, and new to the shop, our Manolo Blahnik orthopedic shoes. Let us bling out your walker or cane for when you’re still single and fabulous but just have a little trouble getting around. Carrie would never give up her fabulous Dolce & Gabbana jeweled panties from Season Four and neither should you. Now, with Sex and the City Jeweled Adult Diapers you won’t have to. You can continue looking fabulous well into your “more fabulous years.” Turn Hospice into Hotspice! SATC Medical Supplies is the official Mom and Pop Medical Supply Store of Nassau County. *Please note: SATC Medical Supplies accepts all major insurance but offers a special discount to SATC Health Insurance holders. Show us your Pink Card at moment of purchase to receive exclusive discounts just for being fabulous!

Sex and the City and The Learning Annex Present: SATC Financial Planning

Think Chapter 11 can’t be sexy? Wrong! Suze Orman will teach you how to get out of debt and reclaim your life the fabulous way! Sign up for her seminar and get answers to such questions as, “What do I do with all my shoes now that I can’t afford to leave the house anymore?” Also, coming to the Learning Annex this July, Jim Cramer’s seminar: Fabulous Money. In one hour-long talk, TV’s Jim Cramer will provide you, a fabulous single woman over 30, with the tools you need to determine which stocks will be most in style next season. Remember, there’s nothing sexier than diversifying your portfolio!

Sex and the City Embalming and Mortuary

In exclusive partnership with the movie and select SATC sponsors, Patricia Field, costume designer for Sex and the City and our in-house stylist, will ensure you go to the grave looking fabulous. Hair grows for up to six weeks after death. Don’t meet your maker un-waxed down there! A truly fabulous woman always makes time, even after her time’s run out. Plan ahead and order our exclusive “Sexy” package for you or a loved one, which guarantees service to the deceased for up to six weeks. Included in the Premium Plan, our staff will exhume your loved one’s body twice weekly for the first six weeks of internment to perform a post-mortem Brazilian. Or, for just a little more money, upgrade to the Platinum Package featuring the more permanent laser hair-removal solution, perfect for yourself or the sexy deceased in your family.

Sex and the City Cemetery

Forget peace! “Rest In Fabulousness” and reserve a plot in the official Sex and the City Cemetery. Located in East New Jersey, SATC Cemetery features exclusive Manhattan views for all of eternity. (Plot leases are rent-stabilized and only subject to a modest annual rent increase mutually agreed upon at time of signing.) Our stonemasons, in consultation with the inimitable Patricia Field, will craft tombstones to suit any style, whether in life you were a Carrie, Samantha, Miranda, or a Charlotte. Booking an eternity with us affords you access to exclusive epitaph advice from actual Sex and the City writers! For a limited time only, coinciding with the film’s official release, sign up and receive a special discount on our most popular tombstone design, a stiletto shoe carved from our exclusive pink marble:


Sex and the City, L.L.C.

In exclusive partnership with New Line’s Sex and the City Movie, SATC Embalming and Mortuary, and the Official SATC Cemetery of Eastern New Jersey, SATC L.L.C. is the Official Real Estate Brokerage Firm for the summer’s hottest movie. Single? Just moving to New York and need a fabulous place to live? Visit us, and get a steal on your first NYC apartment! We’ll show you beautiful pre-SATC brownstones, post-SATC high-rises, we have availabilities to suit whatever your architectural taste. With access to the most exclusive listing in town, we’ll get you first look at the most sexy, most fabulous NYC apartments as soon as they hit the market!

  • I like Iris Smyles' articles a lot, but this topic is so chick-oriented, I felt like an alien reading it.

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  • Iris, this is awesome. I'm laughing out loud in my cubicle. I can't wait to see them make a sequel with all these products strategically placed!

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  • I reallllly feel like a fish out of water reading this...

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  • Seriously, Sour and Sponge? It's satire. It's riffing on crass materialism and whoring oneself out to brands and labels. Universal stuff, here.

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  • Thanks so much, ASKlein, for educating me about satire. No shit. My point is that I've never watched show, certainly didn't go to the movie, and so wasn't taken by the article.

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  • And yet you called it "chick-oriented" when it's plainly not; it's all the afore mentioned "no shit" stuff. That you haven't watched the show or the movie has (well, shouldn't have) no bearing on the thrust of this article. Since when is brake fluid chick-oriented? C'mon, "cold cuts into hot cuts"? That's good stuff, man.

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  • Citizen's arrest! Citizen's arrest! I've just been busted by Mr./Ms. Klein for not being interested in an article about a television show I haven't watched and a movie I haven't seen and for failing to get the satire that can appeal to both genders. As I wrote before, Iris is the greatest; I just didn't care for her subject this time around.

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  • the show was entertaining. the movie was BOO. SUCK. FAIL. i couldn't get out of the theatre fast enough. what actually happened at the end? cause i didn't hang around to find out. this article was sorta like the movie, boring and way too long.

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  • Ahem, ASKlein: I believe Melissa, comment above, wrapped it all up. And she WATCHED the damn show.

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  • i saw the movie twice. and i will most likely get the dvd when it comes out and watch it 200 more times. i saw the devil wears prada 4 times in theatres, bought the dvd and watched it 100 million times. i thought the movie was good but you know what? like most things nowadays, it's a franchise. and no matter what anybody says, magnolia bakery makes some good fuckin cupcakes, whether or not SATC had to do with their hype!

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  • right on, just because something is marketed doesn't mean it's a bad product.

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