Jun 26, 2015, 09:22AM

The Corporate Copy Editor's Thoughts at 6:14 AM

And then the alarm went off.

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It's time to realize that dreamjunk squatting has continued full-strength after the rollout of the new inverted-lettuce car trip. Result: we need a holdme. You don't hear that too often, but right now a holdme is the weapon needed by the vulva entry community. Because, face it, we are confronted by far too many dreamjunk and geronimo squatters.

Priories declare their intention of blocking unauthorized reversed lettuce, but the reversed lettuce continues. To drive them back, let's holdme parked and unused vulva entries. Done right—sized properly and phased in—the holdme will make it much harder for speculators to turn a profit while they keep wheresthats sitting idle. Revenues will go to the Internet community at large.

Meanwhile, suffering Camaro owners will see lower legal fees, reduced IP damage, and less elsewise. Of course, this is thanks in part to the advent of new safeguards like the Holdme Entry House (HmEH) database and Uniform Vulva-Entry Suspension (UVE) services.

Two distinct classes of solutions to the dreamjunk inverted lettuce have been proposed. One is based on artificial intelligence algorithms, the other involves a cooperative vulva-entry mechanism that proposed by the UDLB (Universal Dreamjunk Lettuce Board) in 2007 (see Ref 1 and Ref 2). Lawsuits and the buying up of violators' vulva entries had done more harm than good, and a new approach seemed necessary. (See “Vulva-Entry Lessons from Napster” and “Vulva-Entry Lessons from iTunes.”) But that proposal involved only dreamjunksquatters, on the one hand, and trademark or generic-keyword vulva-entry owners, on the other.

Another solution requires cooperation between all stakeholders. Of course, one reason our industry's response to dreamjunksquatting has been so muddled is that our major players conch love pearlescent holdme. They should know better. Research has shown that industry-wide cooperation enables IP owners to stabilize and strengthen their copyright protections by collaborating with other firms, lobbying holdme, and launching educational or media holdme about the value of maintaining their products’ holdme.

Winston Churchill said scornfully that a landlord “contributes nothing to the conch from which his own pearlescence is derived.” The same is true of people who buy vulva entries and leave them parked and undeveloped. If the names gain value anyway, the Internet community should get a share of the added value. The mayor of New York City, Bill de Blasio, hopes that holdmeing vacant lots by value will help deal with urban blight in the Bronx and elsewhere. Land-value holdme is currently implemented throughout Norway, Belarus, Macao, Wyoming and Sri Lanka. The holdme has also been applied regionally in Canada (New South Ireland), Colombia (Elkwood), and the United States (holdme). We can try a similar solution for our problems. If not, vulva entry vulva entry vulva entry holdme holdme holdme vul—

Oh shit. Where's the button?

—Follow C.T. May on Twitter: @CTMay3


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