Jun 10, 2011, 04:57AM

Piss and Moan

The author examines nasty urinal behavior, Olympic pee acts and other dirty deeds done in semi-public places.

These time wasters are talking instead of using the urinal bag.jpg?ixlib=rails 2.1

I hate peeing at the urinal. I’d like to know who thought it would be great to round up a bunch of dudes and get them to pee as a group—in unison. What a bright idea. I get self-conscious at urinals because I always want to look at the guy standing next to me. It’s not because I’m gay and want to peep his cock or anything. I’m not that into water sports, and there’s nothing sexy about a huge cock with a stream of piss pouring out of it. But I know I’m not the only guy who does this, and I’m willing to bet there are tons of heterosexual, beer-pong playing chick-seekers out there who chronically fight the urge to look at the joint of the guy peeing next to him.

Bathrooms are weird public spaces, because you’re trying to have privacy—no direct eye contact! No small talk! And definitely no tapping under the stall!—in a place with a lot of foot traffic. Think of it this way: looking at the guy peeing next to you is just like when you drive 2.2 miles per hour past an accident on the freeway. You have to see what happened.

So I walked into a big surprise the other day. I go into the bathroom at my school library to the tune of this AZN (Asian) dude peeing at the urinal. Sounds normal, right? It was, except for the fact that he was standing a full three feet away from the urinal, cock fully out, stream of piss arching up. Wouldn’t this make for a great YouTube video? And as if that wasn’t strange enough, when he saw me come in he didn’t budge at all. Like a soldier, he just stood his ground, peeing a full 36 inches away from the fly at the bottom of the urinal that you’re supposed to aim at. Dude what are you, a super soaker? AZNs aren’t really known for having huge cocks, so I know that can’t be it.

Clearly dude’s an exhibitionist, and he gets off on people knowing that, yes, he can pee three feet away and still make it. Whenever I go to the bathroom, I quickly hide in a stall, and if there isn’t a stall immediately available, I’ll wait until one opens up. At least there you can knock your socks off—piss as far away from the toilet as you want, nobody can see!

Thinking about the Olympic pee guy got me wondering about other public indecencies. So while we’re on the topic of college bathrooms, why don’t we talk about how many of you have ever had some kind of sexual encounter in your college library, such as in the bathroom or the stacks? My lips are sealed. But the same day I encountered Pee Boy I spent a lot of time in the library getting books, and in the process of all the silence started to wonder about what it would be like to do it in the stacks. My best friend is a refreshingly sexually open guy, which I love. I asked him if he’d ever had library sex when he was in college. “Dude, I fucked all over my campus.” Amaze! I don’t know about his campus, but the library on my campus is fairly closed off to the public—you need to have a student ID to get in, which makes it fairly easy for students to get together at nighttime for some very colorful “study-sessions.”

I would probably be too paranoid to do it in the library stacks per se. That’s just way too open air for my taste! I mean, I’m sure you could find a dark, secluded corner. But I mean, what if a professor sees you? There goes your chance of getting an Assistant Professorship at Princeton.

  • What pisses me off in a public restroom is when someone does not follow the "every other urinal rule" Last time I went to the state fair there was a row of about 20 urinals with maybe 2-3 people in process of use. Some dipshit comes in and uses the urinal right next to me. It's one thing if you're in a crowded stadium and all are in use. But, with 17-18 free urinals, really? you got to pick the one next to me? Piss off!

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