Nov 11, 2014, 12:07PM

Ask Human Host (#4)

Gift suggestions, winter weight, and unwanted attention.

Screen shot 2014 11 11 at 12.01.50 pm.png?ixlib=rails 2.1

Hey there all you eyeball blasters and blastees, once again it’s time to call on the world’s most esteemed arbiters of great decision making, those undeniably sensible advice heroes known far and wide as Human Host.

Please send postcards and letters with your questions for H.H. to:

Ask Human Host
2440 Lorillard Place
First Floor
Bronx, NY 10458

Now let’s see what kind of helpful hints the Host is cookin up today…


Next weekend I have to go to my sister’s boyfriend’s birthday party. I hardly know this guy at all and he hasn’t really asked for anything in particular, but him and little sis have been together for a few months and they seem to go really good together, so I want to get him something nice. HH, what’s a great gift for someone who you don’t know very well? And can you give me like 3 or 4 suggestions here?

Generous in Jacksonville



The wanderer’s rest draped in an afterglow of quiet implosion. Rubble within rubble. Survival for delinquency’s thunderous code.

A fake variation on abandonment.

A talking hand.

A festival in Cascadia for the holy side of motion.


With winter right around the bend I’m getting stressed about staying in shape. Fatty/sugary holiday food, a lack of outdoor exercise due to cold weather, and extra traveling all contribute to gaining an extra pound or two, especially during the holidays. What are some of your favorite ways to exercise during the colder months?

Gettin' Fat in Fayetteville


Human Host believes that physical fitness is very important, so it’s great to know that our supporters are on the same page.

Probably the best way to burn off those holiday pounds would be to pay a visit to the weight loss specialists at Chunko LLC. Down by the rotten dock in a half-sunk, barnacle-encrusted troller, just past new lady Jenkin’s rococo woof shanty you’ll find Chunko’s “The Special Hallucinatorium For Sloth Prominence.”

As you descend into the bowels, The Reflection becomes a dazed yet steady hum rumbling louder and louder. You’ll see newborn children spin free from gravity’s cruel whim. You’ll feel a tender light being envelope you in tidal blasts of bric-a-brac majesty. These are just a few of the caring hearts that make up Chunko’s expert staff, so there’s no need to worry about sadistic judgement or guilt trips here; just be yourself, grow some gills, and say "Hello!" to the impure veil a.k.a. primordium.

To learn more about Chunko LLC please refuse all blind contracts with fire.


Lately I’ve been getting cat called a lot whenever I go down to the city. For sure HH, I’m fit as a fiddle and I’m not scared to show off my physique. I enjoy wearing sexy revealing clothes, but just because I show off some skin doesn’t give anyone the right to be rude to me. How can I get all these cat callers to just shut up and mind their own business?

Harassed in Harrison



There is no castle for inertia, no path leading into the synthesis that shines just beyond memory. In the canopy of Heaven, taste becomes a symbol when crushed into a fine powder and scattered while some haunted creature accidentally carves out a niche market for itself... a bombastic hobby possessed by all existence in its re-magined state: a house of broken spines that can stand only in deluded theory (messianic destruction).

Beware (and take care) of The All that’s hidden by desperation’s shadow morality!

Desperation! Time Addict and his fatal mistake electrified in platinum.


Register or Login to leave a comment