Sep 30, 2011, 07:35AM

Oh I'm Bisexual, Is That Going To Be A Problem?

Navigating the world of boys who like it both ways.

Bisexual stick figures.jpg?ixlib=rails 2.1

You’re on an impromptu date at the local Starbucks with someone you just met on BLENDR—the all-new, all-straight hook up app taking the Internet by storm. There’s some chatting, some sipping. You’re like, I went to NYU and he’s all, Oh, I went to a small school in Boston. Well, not in Boston exactly, but next to Boston. You have a couple of friends who went to that school, seems like they all say that. But that’s not even the weird part. You ignore the fact that he’s sporting one of those ironic 19th century mustaches—you’re more ignoring that it kind of works on him. You overlook the fact that though he does look exactly like his BLENDR picture, a rarity in online dating, he’s actually shorter than you. You can deal, you’re saying.

This is a great guy, you’re thinking. I’d like to get to know him better, you’re saying. But then out of nowhere at the end of the date he hits you with the whole, Oh-and-I’m-bisexual-is-that-going-to-be-a-problem? thing.

Seeing as how you don’t really want to come off as homophobic, you nervously sip from your double Americano, then: Um, I guess not? I mean, I was in college once so I know how that goes. At the end of the date you give him a big hug—specifically not a kiss, as you are not keen to kiss a guy’s mouth that as far as you know could have had a penis inside of it as recently as two hours ago.

Once you part ways, you immediately send a BBM to Shannon, your girlfriend who always bails you out of dates by calling at a specific, predetermined time to tell you “something bad happened.” You say: DUDE IS BISEXUAL. SMH.

How do you respond to a guy who tells you straight up he’s bisexual? Who just announces their bisexuality like that, like it’s cool, like it’s a new tattoo you just got done in Vegas? Does the bi-ness matter?

You have dinner at your gay (read: specifically not bisexual) cousin’s house the day after bi-gate, and when he asks how your vagina is doing, you ask him what he would do if he found out his boyfriend was bisexual. It wouldn’t bother him, he says. Why should it matter, he philosophizes. Deep inside your liberal, NYU-educated brain you completely understand that there are people in the world who are bisexual. You realize there’s definitely a double standard between guy bi-ness and girl bi-ness. If a dude was on a date with a hot chick and the hot chick was like, Hi I love punanny, the dude would be turned on.

But not you. No. You are not turned on in the least. No bi’s for you. The very idea of your boyfriend getting fucked in the ass or, worse, of performing fellatio on an eight-or-so-inch cock turns you all the way off.  A blackout. In the bowels of your ego you rationalize that a bi guy is just pre-gay. You worry that within months of dating he will start wearing your clothes, using your eyebrow tweezer, singing to Madonna in falsetto, going to the gym five times a day.

How can somebody be attracted to both men and women, you ask, frustrated.

The more you think about it, the more you conclude that bi’s are just greedy. You’re like, They will take anything they can get, in any hole possible. A bi’s sole aim in life, you deduce, is to be in a relationship with a woman while having secret sex with men, or to be in a relationship with men while having secret sex with women. See, you exclaim to yourself, proud. The bi’s are just desperate to get their cake and have a three-way with it, too. Happy you’re no longer thinking like a homophobe, disgusted by the idea of two guys getting it on, you tell yourself, I can’t date a bisexual guy because his greedy ass is going to cheat on me with another guy. That’s right, right? 

Your gay cousin tells you that everybody is at least a little bit bi, especially in New York. It’s no big deal, he’s saying. Haven’t you ever been with a girl or at least thought about it? You tell him No, No I haven’t been with a woman except for that one time in college. Laughter. He pulls up Craigslist and shows you how many of the m4m ads are looking for gay sex on the premise that  “the GF is away/out-of-town.” You’re like, Maybe these are all posted by the same guy, to which your gay cousin agrees is perfectly within the realm of possibility.

You check a message on your BlackBerry and it’s from him. I HAD A GREAT TIME MTING U, LETS HANG THIS WKND? You’re not sure what to type back. You’re into the guy, but you’re afraid the bi thing might be a deal breaker. Do you say nothing? Isn’t that bad karma? In his message you see that, for your convenience, he has also attached a semi NSFW photo, perhaps as an incentive for you to meet him. It’s the bi’s tanned, flexed torso from the perspective of the bathroom mirror, with a pair of green boxers tilted enough to reveal just a few pubes. There is no head. Though you’ve received many headless torso pics and never thought twice, this time the photos remind you of the m4m ads your gay cousin is showing you.

Expecting you to be turned on buy his exhibitionism, maybe taking to your own cellphone camera to send him a tit shot, you reply: “Nice bathroom.” He does not write back. 

  • OMG what a hateful piece. I mean people like who they like but are we next going to see someone do a post on how horrid it was to find out the person was a ginger? How about one that includes the line “DUDE IS JEWISH. SMH” Please! I mean didn't people once at least have the decency to shut up and be ashamed of themselves when they had the sudden revelation they actually harbored such irrational bigoted thoughts and feelings instead of posting it across the Internet? “Hi my name is Buffy, I’m a Pisces, I like dogs and taking long walks on the beach and oh yeah I harbor irrational and bizzaro prejudices about entire classes of people I don't know much about”.

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  • people should really learn how to laugh!

  • "At the end of the date you give him a big hug—specifically not a kiss, as you are not keen to kiss a guy’s mouth that as far as you know could have had a penis inside of it as recently as two hours ago." <<---- Oh Yeah! Becasue hateful biphobia from pseudo-liberal hipsters like that is just SO Totally Amusing.

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  • I'm fighting my "gross, greedy bisexual" rage right now. This article could win a Pulitzer if they gave one for managing to convey every biphobic sentiment/all-that-is-wrong-with-the-world in a few paragraphs of tripe. I hope the dude stumbles across the article so he knows what kind of ignorant b*tch to avoid in the future. >:-()

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  • Oh, and if the "author" thinks BLENDR is "all-straight" she hasn't looked through any of the profiles on there.

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  • I think my favourite part was the author saying that she didn't "really want to come off as homophobic" and then stringing along some of the most homophobic and biphobic cliches that she could manage *like she was trying*. And by "favourite part" I mean "part I found the most hilariously revolting". Oh wait, maybe the part where she uses her "gay cousin" as a shield as a really terrible means of protection AND the tired "bisexuals are sexual predators and users, they're all greedy and can take everything they can get" trope from being labelled a bigot (because she can't be, because she's a liberal, educated woman? puhleese). Ah well, if the delusion keeps her warm at night. Sweetie? I am one of those bisexuals that's a little bit greedy (though I am happy to share) and even I wouldn't touch someone with such an ugly heart.

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  • The author is worried about where dicks are going? Don't worry, chick - nowhere near you...

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  • These comments raise an important question. Are bisexuals oblivious to satire?

  • One can be excused for not noticing a dagger if it's being used as a tampon.

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  • No, very fond of it in fact. Someone point some out, becasue after reading this nasty little sophomoric piece of hate-speech I need something else to look at to clear my mind. Anyone up for Saki or Wodehouse?

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  • this isnt just bi phobic its blatantly sexist against males. by her own admission she has experimented with other women but she cant trust a man who has experimented with other men? I pitty any man that encounters this emotional abuser.

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  • Satire: The use of humor, irony, exaggeration, or ridicule to expose and criticize people's stupidity or vices, particularly in the context of contemporary politics and other topical issues. This isn't funny. It's not ironic. I pray it's an exaggeration. People this ignorant are can't function in proper society. It's definitely ridicule. But satire of what? Certainly one's sexual identity isn't stupid or a vice. Maybe it satire directed at the prevalent biphobic attitudes in mainstream society. A satirical look at the prejudices of pseudo liberal/intelectual hipster c**ts and how self righteous they are in those prejudices because they can't possibly be mistaken they went to NYU. Then again this just may be too deep of a discussion because I have to organize all the eight inch dicks I have to suck and how many of my ten fingers can fit into how many vaginas at once... Then what do I do with those two other holes not in use at the moment. Because God knows my fiance can't trust me to be faithful because I'm bi. Yep the greedy bi life, one big ass orgy. So many holes so little time...

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  • @greywolfe81: I agree with you on all but one point. Please refrain in future from comparing a perfectly nice piece of anatomy to nasty women like this one. :)

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  • This could have been a genuine piece about the author's struggle to understand and come to terms with someone else's sexuality. As a bisexual woman, I've struggled with my sexuality pretty much my whole life, so I don't blame others who might struggle with my sexuality a little bit too. But that's not what this piece was about. Instead of the author really trying to understand why she felt so turned off by the idea of dating a bisexual man, she allows herself to be swallowed by all of her irrational fears. She KNOWS they're irrational, and that's why she is writing with a bit of self-deprecation, but if she wasn't ready to confront her fears, what was the point of writing this piece and sharing her hurtful thoughts? I think this was truly an opportunity missed for a straight woman to explore her feelings about bisexuality in earnest and come to a more mature and thoughtful conclusion.

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  • You people are morons. Madison is a guy. A 100% flamingly awesome gay guy.

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  • This article was first found on tumblr in a "chick's sex, dating & relationship" list. It is being passed around as a authentic essay about another example of 'problems' faced by the 'modern woman' on today's dating scene. It is completely consistent with the opinions and statements made by an entire pack of bigoted fools, in any number of 'girl talk' settings. Is this possibly all some variety of fake news such as "The Onion" and the "Borowitz Report"? Anything is possible. however it isn't being treated as one elsewhere. It is being treated as the real complaint of a poor put upon "modern miss" forced to put up with the horror of bisexual dudes. Is there any note on this site that it is a humor site? No. Do any of the other stories under this author's byline indicate this? No So maybe it is and maybe having got caught crossing the line some fast excuses are suddenly appearing. *shrug* After all it isn't the first time a bigot having been called out has quickly retreated while whining away about how "touchy" LGBTQ people people are and how lacking in of a sense of humor 'they' are when called names.

  • this has got to stop. i wrote the article and not only is it deeply satirical, but as one of the other commemters pointed out, i am a huge, headpiece wearing, sequin catsuited gay dude. so everybody chill out on the whole anti-lgbtqbi thing. yes, the piece pulls on all the stereotypes under the sun as a way to draw attention to the ridiculousness. AND FOR THE RECORD, THE PIECE IS BASED OFF OF A SERIES OF CONERSATIONS I OVERHEARD IN A CAFE IN NEW YORK.

  • Madison Moore, a guy, is one of the funniest and best writers on Splice Today and I've enjoyed his pieces for a couple of years. Christ, what an uproar over nothing! But my favorite part is there's a Christian dating advertisement under the story!

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  • Your article is being used/taken seriously around the Internet by anti-LGBTQ people. It wasn't until later it was traced back here. Again don't know you, don't know what the original intent was. However this is how the thing is being used and viewed and this is where the original reaction came from.

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  • So why exactly are we expected to care that you're a gay man and not a straight woman? Does the article suddenly become funnier when read in a lispy Bruce Vilanch voice? (Sorry, was that homophobic? I was being SATIRICAL, dontchaknow?)

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