Apr 10, 2013, 06:57AM

An Honest OkCupid Profile

I'm not asking a lot here...

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Reijer Stevens

My self-summary: My profile pictures are all several years old and were taken by professional photographers. Add 10 pounds and a self-haircut for a closer approximation. I’m bitter, emotionally unavailable, and would drop you like pigeon shit from the sky if my ex wanted me back. (Luckily for you, she doesn’t.) My lungs hurt when I walk upstairs and I need a date for my sister’s wedding next week. There’s an open bar.

What I’m doing with my life:
G-chatting while at a job that I hate but am too scared to quit because my parents would disapprove if I lost my health insurance; cleaning my house over and over because I have no hobbies and if I spent my weekends doing what I really want to do—watch Intervention in the dark—I’m afraid my legs might turn into sweatpants.

I’m really good at: Gossip.

The first thing people usually notice about me:
I should have had braces.

Favorite books, movies, shows, music, and food: Anything Grisham, Notting Hill, CSI: Miami, Coldplay.

The six things I could never do without: Facebook. Parents who still pay my phone bill. Subtitles for when I am eating chips too loud to hear the TV. Tampons. Batteries. Weed.

I spend a lot of time thinking about: Ways to convince my ex that I’m dating. On a typical Friday night I am stoned.

The most private thing I’m willing to admit: I think I’m too good for this.

I’m looking for: A mature, attractive rebound for uncomplicated sex and making my ex jealous.

You should message me if: You are over five feet tall and would like to go to my sister’s wedding. Did I mention there’s an open bar? Call me!


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