Pop Culture
Aug 14, 2013, 08:55AM

Out-of-Office Notification

No can do, suckers.

Screen shot 2013 08 14 at 8.54.45 am.png?ixlib=rails 2.1

I am out of the office from Friday, August 16th through Monday, August 19th, returning to work on the morning of Tuesday, August 20th.

When and if you encounter me that morning, that Tuesday, at my desk or by the water cooler, I may appear slightly different or "off" in a way that is difficult to explain or quantify. Please try not to exhibit any confusion or befuddlement in reaction to this, because I'll immediately pick up on that and deftly turn things around so that it will seem as though you have changed in some imperceptible yet definite way, as though you harbor dark, forbidden secrets or have borne witness to vile, unspeakable acts. Maybe you should just keep walking, avoid eye contact, gag on your own false bonhomie: I don't enjoy your company, never want to talk to you, and do not plan to think about you while I am out of the office.

For enterprise architecture, contact Kyle or Preethi.

For imaging, contact Natasha.

For vouchers, contact Mitch or write to the eVouchers mailbox.

Oh my god, the colors, the sensations, not a screensaver in sight. Can you say the same?

For help with transfers, contact Carl or Mary, or, better yet, contact Carl with your transfer request separate from Mary, then hit Mary with the same request. But don't say that I instructed you to do this, because I'll deny having ever suggested it, and this email is set to evaporate sometime on Saturday, August 17th.

For Microsoft Access assistance, contact Irene.

For manual edits, contact Elson, Olov, or Belinda. I timed this vacation very precisely to side step the annual DevProd manual edits, which are traditionally grueling and remorseless, and to ensure that Elson, Olov, and Belinda were not vacationing and would therefore bear the brunt of these edits while I sunbathed thousands of miles away.

Did I mention that as you read this I am experiencing psychotropic and mental sensations beyond your wildest imaginings, that I am pulling stupid porn star faces, that I am wearing my sunglasses upside down on the back of my Brylcreemed coif? Yes, that is happening to me, and not to you, right at this moment.

For customer service, contact Seth and Frank. If escalation is necessary, contact Harold, the customer service supervisor. If Harold is unavailable, contact Lela, the customer satisfaction manager. If Harold and Lela cannot be reached, contact Frank, he's the real brains of the operation, keeps the trains running on time, or Megan the student intern, who with Frank have customer service on lock to a degree that is startling to those privileged few who have a true sense of the depth and breadth of the game they're running, down there in Customer Satisfaction, under the boiler room. Don't mess with Frank and Megan, basically.

For the server refresh, write to the DBA team mailbox.

For report services, contact Alan. Alan, look out for a keychain on Tuesday, bro. I got you.

For release notes, contact William, or just hold off until I get back because William is fucking useless, he'll make a hash of things and then I'll spend half a day fixing whatever he did. It's like if you needed somebody to wheel together a cassette tape that had come unspooled and there was nobody around to have do it except a cat high on catnip: you'd never, ever be able to listen to that cassette ever again, and you'd only have yourself to blame. So just, you know, don't. In fact, if anyone is reading this, walk over to Technical Documentation and punch William in the back of the head.

For some reason, Microsoft Outlook provides an option that allows a user to determine how often an out-of-office notification is delivered to someone who sends an email to that user's mailbox, which sucks for you, really.


Register or Login to leave a comment