Pop Culture
Mar 10, 2014, 07:05AM

OMG a Totes Nightmare

The conversation my boss and I will never have.

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My boss is a newspaper guy, a real journalist, and though I used to work in print I’m basically an Internet girl. He hates it when I use any conversational phrases that are related to Internet or texting language, whether in an email, a piece of writing or in the real world. He loathes emoticons. He cringes at text-speak abbreviations. While I have teenage girls, he has sons, so he's not forced to navigate this foreign language territory often. Every once in awhile, I use an emoticon or too many exclamation marks, just to be jokingly annoying. He is never amused by that. Basically, if he went into a deep sleep and had the worst nightmare of his life, the email exchange with me would go something like this:

Me: Heyyyy boss! OMFG I totes loved that shiznit you wrote on the Rolling Stones v. the Beatles. You OWNED! IMHO, it’s da bomb dot com!!! 

Boss: I do not know what you just said.

Me: L to the O to the L. As. If. RIGHT?! You are such a Stones fanboy, beeteedub. Just sayin’!

Boss: Please speak the King’s English.

Me: Said no one, ever! Umhi, note to selfie, I’m all “The Beatles are ok but duh Billy Joel is so amazeballs and every time I hear one of his songs I’m like: THIS. Just. This.”


Me: umhelloooooooo you are SO over there rolling your eyes. You’re all bracket/eyeroll/bracket <eyeroll>, and you’re like “WTF, I can’t even.”

Boss: I do not know how you are a writer, or why.

Me: IKR! Cuz YOLO, duh!! I mean JUST WOW are you all “She ratchet” or what?! You’re so uber “OH HELLZ NO”, and I’m just over here like “ain’t nobody got time for that!”

Boss: Who are you?

Me: SEE YO! You’re getting the hang of it! You’re all “WHO ARE YOU” and shit fo shizzle! Lolzcat. I should probs get back to work and write my random article now and get shit done, literally yo.”

Boss: Yes, please.

Me: OMFG ROFL MY WAFL! You just did it again. “YES PLEASE” is totes magotes an Internet thing ICYMI. Ik that IRL you are like “No she di’int” but srsly, it’s EPIC that u r text-speaking and you don’t even know it. Pretty soon you’ll be Rickrollin wit dat ass.

Boss: You did not just ---

Me: LOLOLOL There you go again. All “I can’t. You did NOT just.” Lurve it. Not gonna lie, bro, you da best boss evahhh!!! W00t!

Boss: This is a nightmare. If this conversation happened in real life I would fire you.

Me: Well DUH!! STFU like me IRL would ever talk to you IRL like that! Haha! That. Would. Be. So. Hashtag #Awesomesauce.

Boss: o_O QQ

Me: OMFG you did not just do that???!!!

Boss: Banged keyboard in effort to shut you up. Do what?

Me: THAT WAS SO NOT A TYPO. You did the surprisey text crying thing! You gottabekiddingme. WTF!! And you’re so SHUT UP with the Qs?!?!?!? That wins the Internet.

Boss: I fail to have any clue what you are saying. It’s like you have forgotten your native tongue.

Me: EPIC FAIL! Like OMG I forget English, first world problems! Haaaa. Whatevs. I see what you did there, you’re really like “meh” but then you’re all “FAIL!” FTW.

Boss: Please die.

Me: kk! Whatevs. Totes making a “Please die” meme with your frowny pic on it right now. Welcome to my world right?!?! Meanwhile I’m like over here eating all the things. Arrrgghhh! But NOM!

Boss: Good talk.

Me. See! You are accidentally getting good at it! Heh. GOOD TALK! lolzzzies! You rock.

Boss: <wakes up. Fires Mary.>

  • oh my god i died. and? i didn't understand half the shit you said. please please at least speak hippie english. at least that i can keep up with...i think.

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