Pop Culture
May 10, 2010, 06:23AM

My Love of Informercials

Because I do all my best shopping drunk at 4am after re-runs of Welcome Back, Kotter.

Im a fan of infomercials and have a weakness for all things as seen on tv. Anything to make my life easier in a slightly more stylish manner, Im all for. I love my Debbie Meyer Green Bags and my PedEgg. How could you not love to Slap Chop things? I was born to Slap Chop. Even though Vince, the Slap Chop representative who surprisingly resembles one of the bad guys from Karate Kid, got out of control and slap-chopped a hooker once. Either way, there are some things I cannot believe have actually come to production and made it to my TV for my viewing delight.  

Id like to introduce you to the Better Marriage Blanket, for those times you suffer from a health problem or the occasional disagreeable meal. A fart-absorbing blanket. It promises to catch those flatulence molecules and save your marriage. It Contains the same type of fabric used by the military to protect against chemical weapons. Thats a bit much. Plus it sounds like it takes some fun out of things. Im also thinking that if blowing ass is affecting a marriage that much, there might be a little more going on. Its an amazing commercial, though.

If you own a Hug-E-Gram you may possibly be the most needy and lame person on the planet. Really? A band with Mickey Mouse hands to wrap around your waist for those times you want a hug and nobody is there. Get a Martini and settle down. You can also record personal messages on these hands because you know, hands that talk. If you have or want this, I think you need a helmet, not a hug.

I am impressed and mortified by The Neckline Slimmer, an exercise device for your neck. Take your fat neck to the gym or deal with that turkey neck. Its part of getting older. A Tiddy Bear? A ridiculous little teddy bear that goes around your seatbelt to prevent it from denting your skin. I never realized so many people were bothered by seatbelt indentions. Its also called Tiddy Bear. Like the way a middle school boy would spell the slang word for boob. Terrible, F!

Nearly every kitchen gadget I see, I want it.  I fall prey to the awesomeness of things that cook with three types of heat. Im not going to lie but even at my weakest moments I cant justify some things. For instance, the Eggstractor. Yes, a device that peels eggs for you. Seriously, how hard is it to peel a fucking egg?


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