Pop Culture
Jun 13, 2008, 06:48AM

Mr. Wrong

Our pundit-in-training uses steely cold logic to explain why Hillary Clinton would make the perfect Veep for Prez Obama: protection.

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First of all I would like to get away from my usual Important Topics such as Snack Food and Teevee and I Hate Pennies and get into the Election Politics with Obama and Presidents and all that crap for a minute, so I can to remind errbody I Was Right, and I was Right in a totally Country-When-Country-Wasn't-Cool way long ago.

Regardez this click-on link.

See, I put that shit out there in January of the Year of Our Lord Two Thousand Zero-Zero Seven, man, and while I totally fumbled on the Super Bowl prediction, I called the Politics, and I'm not switching up my Vote. I was totally expecting some Pundit work on one of those shows where people wear nice clothes and ties (I'd have to get an advance on the appearance fee to get that going) and agree or disagree or agree to disagree with each other, but I guess my Readership ain't quite what I thought it was, even here on the Web that is World-Wide.
So I would like to take this opportunity to remind anybody who'll listen or read or whatever, I am available for jobs on all those Pundit shows where people talk forever about this shit all the time. I could totally do that and Get Paid.
Hillary Clinton got beat exactly for the reason I said she would, which is she's a stiff, man. Totally awkward and uncomfortable-making. I don't care how much she's got it together in her Real Life, she jumped into the Politics, and when you do that, you gotta bring some personality-plus, man. So anyway, with that outta the way, I'm thinking she's the best move for the Vice-Obama President and for once, I got some cold hard Logic behind this, and Logic is Not Pretty.
Hillary Clinton got harshed on because she kept saying stuff that was: Just. This. Close. To saying Obama was gonna get assassinated in the manner of Robert F. Kennedy, who was super-young, super-charismatic, and super-gonna plow over the whole field and get voted POTUS. It was not the smartest shit in the world to be talking when you are running for the same job, so she got called for it, and that's totally fair, and that's some Real Politics, but what's also Real is you gotta be kidding me, you don't think somebody is gonna take a shot at Obama? Look, man, the famous Comedian Chris Rock made a joke about how if there was ever an African-American Vice-President, then he would be in line to shoot the Prez and get treated like Royalty in jail:

Dennis Miller: More on this from SNL news correspondent, Chris Rock!
Chris Rock: Thank you, Dennis. Now as you know, there's been a lot of talk about a black vice president. And I just wanna tell the world that it'll never happen. As long as you live you will never see a black vice president, you know why? Because some black guy would just kill the president. I'd do it. If Colin Powell were vice president, I'd kill the president and tell his mother about it. What would happen to me? What would they do? Put me in jail with a bunch of black guys that would treat me like a king for the rest of my life? I would be the biggest star in jail, all right, people would be coming up to me and I'd be signing autographs: "97-KY, here you go." Guys would be going: "You're the brother that shot Bush. And you told his mother about it huh? I hope my children turn out to be just like you, Man, you know I was getting ready to rape you until I realized who you were. And even if they had a death penalty, what would happen? I'd just be pardoned by the black president. So you see, Dennis, it would not be in George Bush's best interests to place Colin Powell on the ticket.

And here's the link to the quote I scooped off'n the IMDb.com. See? That's some cold-blooded Logic, man, sit down and work that one out on paper if you can't see it all the way through. It is also inappropriate and humorous, and see you in Hell, and I did not hear anybody holler about how anybody who is not African-American in that joke should be pissed and take Umbrage or whatever. That shit makes perfect sense. Show me how it doesn't.

Somebody is totally gonna try to kill this guy! He's in Robert F. Kennedy-Malcolm X-Martin Luther King-territory now! He's talking about Uniting and Not Dividing for reals! I previously suggested he find the tallest, fattest person available for the Vice, but I got it all figured out: Hillary Clinton!

It's a logic trap! If they (and you know who They are) try and waste Obama, then Hillary Clinton gets Presidential! Rock/Hard Place! Lady/Tiger! Choose 'em up, Hobson! And yeah, yeah, the quick Negativity answer is knock 'em both off, but that of course, would mean GORE.

  • I don't think I've read the topic of an Obama assassination handled so deftly. I really mean that. This is one of Mr. Wrong's best.

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  • Joe MacLeod is crossing over into territory that the mainstream media won't touch, and, as Doing Deities said, he handled it well. Who hasn't thought of the possibility that some wacko takes a shot at Obama? After all, Gerald Ford, hardly a divisive figure, was shot at twice.

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  • What surprises me is how Bush has only had one attempt on his life, and a pretty flimsy one at that. You would've thought by now he'd be dead meat!

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  • I had this very conversation last night. Any time any politician has made any stride toward race realtions in this country they have been shot. Lincoln, King, Malcolm X, RFK, JFK...As awful awful awful as it would be, I just can't see how Obama really survives this. What does FoxNews do if Obama is assassinated, they wont be able to make sick smirks about his safety any more. It would be the END OF TERRORIST FIST JABS???!!

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  • That JFK made real strides in race relations is debatable, but nevertheless the leaders gbaker mentions above isn't complete. What about Reagan? He almost died. Garfield? McKinley? I think, and hope, Obama, if elected, will be safe. Secret Service protection has come a long way since Kennedy rode in an open-air car, and today, Sirhan Sirhan wouldn't be able to get into the Ambassador Hotel with a gun.

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  • gbaker: can you really not think of a single pro-good-race-relations politician that is still alive? Congress must be filled with segregationists. Also, are you saying you can not possibly envision a world with Barack Obama alive? Color me...contrarian, but I sure as hell don't think Barack is going to be offed and I sure as hell didn't stop pumping my own gas during the DC sniper run. Don't give in to fear.

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  • Yeah, I mean the last time a president was seriously attacked was 30 years ago with Reagan. That doesn't mean someone won't try, but all the race-related assassinations you mentioned happened many years ago right in the birthing pains of the civil rights movement. We've come a long way (not surprisingly with people born around the time the schools integrated) when Bob Johnson and Oprah make gobs of money in the entertainment business.

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  • This was a great column except for the ending. I'm so sick and tired of St. Al Gore. Before he was canonized after 2000, this guy was as sleazy a politician as any in memory. I wish he'd retreat to his energy-inefficient mansion and shut up. It's guys like Gore that make Obama so appealing.

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  • Isn't the case of the sniper a perfect example of how imperfect protection agencies are?? I mean if Malvo and Muhammad can go on a spree for weeks, you can't discount anything. Believe me, I think America has made dramatic strides since the 1960s in race relations, but all it takes is one absolute nutso. Hold Up, Tim Russert just died?? What?

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  • Yeah, but I think the sniper problem has been taken out of the equation, gbaker. At least for presidents and high ranking officials. Getting to Obama would be very hard, thankfully, because security is so tight. It'd have to be an inside job, and even that's unlikely.

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  • haha dude im pretty sure the chances of obama being killed by a sniper are much higher than an "inside" job. Like Dick Gephardt is going to suicide bomb him or something. A good rifle can reach ridiculously far, and considering how much a candidate moves around between speeches, fundraisers and general baby kissing they don't have time to vet all the areas. remember that quote from godfather II?

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  • Of course Dick Gephardt retired from Congress around the same time Godfather III came out. That's hyperbole, but obviously Obama and other candidates have a coterie around them when they're kissing babies or eating Polish sausages or corned beef sandwiches. It's not like "24."

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  • Hey, I love "24." But I don't like the rumors that Jack Bauer's going to become a hippie in the next season.

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