Staunchwater, N.Y. sits on the edge of the Sprain Reservoir near northern Yonkers. This little Westchester County town has an action-packed music scene that’s been poppin' off in a big way recently. Below is an excerpt from the concert listing section in the latest issue of this hip town’s fave alt weekly The Staunchwater Free Voice:
(venue addresses/details can be found on page 15)
GOBLIN JOE’S CADILACK HOLE (a used car dealership and unfortunate place)
Enchiladas Of Rebellion, Burning Pile Of Xenophobic Steam Rollers, Baby Barf & The Crunch Mongers
this show is open only to people age 5 and under
THE PUDDING VOLCANOE
Golden Dudes, Dorky Wolf Weenis, Beef Wizard, plus Scarsdale Slim & The Easily Reparable Toothless Grins
admission: a (real) arm and a (fake) leg
all ages with proof of non-existence; if you bring an ID you can’t get in
Barn Smellers, Lukewarm Gigolos, Burrito Hatred
admission: 3 knocks and a fart
half humanoid/half grain beasts only (segregated show)
THE BRAIN STATION
Placenta Nazi,Tampon Of Capricorn, Steamin Bob’s Festering Bluez Wound, Mean Pork
admission: a signed permission slip from Ralb Kwangaporg
you must be 60,000,000 years of age or older to attend this show
show starts at blast-walrus-O’clock sharp
ST. BUGABOO’S COMMUNITY OUTREACH SHED (aka “Power Teen Central”)
Lady Sex Chunnch, Mound Of Guys, plus a Jaraguayan coyote on morphine with an empty plastic bottle duct taped to its head will be singing off-key renditions of nursery rhymes to the tune of "Home On The Range"
no amount of money will gain you admittance to this show.
the doors will be guarded by deadly robotic octopods which can only be destroyed by a dump truck load of flaming tarantulas. If you can fill a dump truck with flaming tarantulas, drive that truck to the show, then dump the flaming tarantulas on to the killer octopods, then you get in for free.
no one knows what time this show starts.
all ages welcome.
An all emotional band show at ZIT WRANGLER’S MUTANT COW EMPORIUM AND CANDY CHUTE
Every Time I Touch Your Sandwich, My Heart Is Joy And I’m Not Afraid To Sit In Custard, Tears Of Diet Force
admission: 1 gem studded chalice filled with drool
pets only, no “conventional” humans allowed
show begins once Jomtorr’s bell tolls for the birth of eternal gluttony
Awesome Women’s Health, Dandy Poo, Thong Daddy Crow
some random kid will pay you to go to this event
you will transcend all forms of Earthly concern before this show even happens
An all tough band show at THE STAUNCHWATER P.A.L. CENTER
Gauntlet Jock, Butch Toilet, Kindergarten Window Punch, Destroyers Of The Birthday Cake
no one will ever gain admittance into this show.
the venue will be surrounded by impenetrable 90-year-olds.
time has transformed into a medical consequence of freedom’s gelatin crust.