Moving Pictures
Oct 09, 2008, 10:41AM

"While we’re at it, Saving Private Ryan sucked too."

One of the better take-downs of Hollywood's favorite movies.

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It goes to show that no matter how loved any film (or band or album or any other unit of culture) is, there will always be a desire to cut the elgs out from under it. This author, though, does it very, very well.

Exhibit A, Clerks:

Cursing doesn’t make things funnier, putting your friends in a movie isn’t a good idea and no one fucking cares about comic book-reading losers from New Jersey. In fact, no one cares about New Jersey at all. Congratulations on making the most overrated student film ever.

Exhibit B, Crash:

Remember the expression on everyone’s face that wasn’t involved with Crash when it won Best Picture at the Academy Awards? They looked more surprised than when Marisa Tomei won Best Supporting Actress for My Cousin Vinny.

Exhibit C, Star Wars (all of 'em):

Who wrote these fucking movies, a kid who has to wear a helmet because his soft spot never closed up? If you can listen to the shit being spewed out of these characters mouths without laughing out loud, you deserve to keep all of your action figures sealed in their cases on your parent’s basement wall. (Yes, I know you have a separate entrance, so it’s like your own place.)

Bravo, Mr. Johnston.

  • Yeah, and, uh... Casablanca! That sucked! Just like Citizen Kane! And, uh, Sunset BLVD! Yeah, movies! Fuck 'em! Not saying I like Forrest Gump or anything, but this article was pretty much the easiest and worst kind of criticism.

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