As anyone who's anyone (that I ever care to talk to again) knows, the sixth and final season of ABC's hit what-the-fuck-is-going-on sci-fi-drama Lost started a couple nights ago with a three-hour premier. Okay, the first hour was all re-cap, but to be fair it was a really fucking good re-cap. For those of you who missed the premier Tuesday night, I suggest you go flog yourself all old-school Catholic style and beg forgiveness from J.J. Abrams. Afterwards you can check it out over on Hulu. For those of you who think Lost sucks, I don't wanna hear your shit, or I will bitch slap you like a nine-fingered whore if we ever run into each other.
So, now that Jacob is dead, Locke/the Man in Black is kicking some ass, and everyone is all split up into two parallel dimensions (one where Oceanic 815 never crashes and one where Juliet exploding the hydrogen bomb sends Jack and Hurley and everyone else back into the present), I figure I should go ahead and offer up my theories on what might come next:
1) Lost actually breaks down into two wildly unsuccessful spin-offs. The first involves Sawyer, Hurley and Ben leaving the island once again and meeting up with Desmond in L.A. There they work as soldiers of fortune, on the run from the military for a crime they didn't commit, in a new show called The (L)A-Team. Meanwhile back on the island, Jack and everyone else star in a Party of Five (now in Hawaii) remake that somehow manages even worse ratings than that 90210 remake on the CW.
2) Locke/the Man in Black really just wants to recover the Pegasus from the Devolin system. I mean come on, "we have a chance here to change the balance of power in this quadrant but we can't very well do that if we destroy the Pegasus now can we?" I think I just out-nerded even Bruce Villanch with that one.
3) Kate searches the island and finds Claire, but the two become stranded alone in the jungle. They barely escape a ravenous polar bear by jumping from a rock ledge into a large pond below. Panting, and with their clothes wet and torn, they … start kissing … Kate's tender hands rubbing up and down Claire's nubile … young … I'm sorry what were we talking about?
4) With all the big questions answered a mere five episodes into the season, the last 13 episodes are filled with wistful scenic shots of various non-descript island locales. These are occasionally interrupted by short clips of J.J. Abrams laughing maniacally and rolling around in a huge pile of money.
5) Canceled halfway through for a new Leno show.