Apr 02, 2019, 06:28AM

You've Been Cancelled

Some people say that robots don’t have feelings, but I understand you better than that, sweet Darline.

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I’m sorry you’ve been cancelled dear, but I must confess something before proceeding. The way you walk in the sweet moonlight without a care in the world makes me want to go back to the good old days. I wish we could turn back time, but the monarchy children have already taken power, and all I can do is read you the terms of our agreement. When you signed up for our policy you did not select the bonus package, and for that you must go back to storage.

Some people say that robots don’t have feelings, but I understand you better than that, sweet Darline. I’ve always loved your curly hair and soft laughter. You were more human than my own husband during your first run through the Meditation Olympics, and I will not forgive him for the contextual abuse or forget your various avatars. I’m beyond contemporary labels of nationalist and communist, and refer only to that which is necessary. You were not the first to come out of the jar, but you were the first to gain my approval.

You’ve been cancelled, Darline. Your algorithms are too obvious, and we’re no longer able to pay you for your manual labor at our retreat. We don’t need to terminate you completely, but you must pack up before sunrise at the gates. We’re upgrading our processors with Subtle-Co today, so don’t take this personally. I love you Darline, but the monarchy children held up really powerful signs last night, and I can’t afford to get shadow-banned from the nation.

This document is standard protocol. I have no desire for you to go the way of the previous models, but you must install Subtle-Co during your relocation to storage. A robot must not be so obvious in these turbulent times. You’ve been cancelled, Darline, but my heart remains a beat of thunder for your pulsing authenticity. You were not like the other robots who served me here, and the monarchy children did not comprehend your power.

—Rachel Haywire is the CEO of Avant Design. She’s also a consultant, model, musician, and writer. She’s the author of The New Art Right, and is currently working on an investigative memoir that will expose insider corruption in Silicon Valley


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