The geniuses at Silicon Valley have done fantastic work making our lives more efficient. Not only have they eliminated annoying brick-and-mortar outlets like book stores, record stores and movie theaters, they’ve helped put an end to unnecessary industries like taxi companies, affordable apartments and know-it-all newspaper chains. It’s exciting to report that this wonderful spirit of disruption will continue this year. Here are some great new apps for 2023.
AirPeeNPee—People already rent out their homes, swimming pools and cars. Why not use the same technology to rent your crapper to someone in need? Payments are on a three-tiered system: urination is cheapest, defecation more costly and vomiting the most exorbitant. AirPeeNPee allows you to make that extra toilet a gold mine.
Bum-Sniffing Dogs—Local and state governments have no solution for rampant homelessness. It’s time to take this problem into our own hands. This service allows residents to rent out bum-sniffing dogs so the housed community no longer encounters vagrants. Each dog has been trained to sniff out unwanted derelicts sleeping or loitering outside your home. Dogs bark when a transient’s found. You then have the option of blowing one of two dog whistles to trigger the animal into action. Whistle #1 instructs the dog to growl loudly until the itinerant leaves. Whistle #2 triggers the dog to bite the shit out of the bum.
Maid Talkers—We all know the feeling. Our home is filthy, dishes piled in the sink, clothes unwashed. We’ve reached the point when it’s time to hire a housekeeper. But this means having to interact with the help, many who speak foreign tongues and smell strange. Maid Talkers allows you to hire a go-between to interact with your maid. Maid Talkers makes sure nothing is stolen and none of your food is eaten. Let Maid Talkers supervise the cleaning so you don’t have to.
BookBurners—It’s one thing to put content filters on your phone or computer. But how do you prevent dangerous ideas from invading your library? This service allows you to remove books that cause harm to your family. Harry Potter and The Handmaid’s Tale teach children the basic skills of witchcraft. Beloved by Toni Morrison makes us feel guilty about slavery. Green Eggs and Ham normalizes ethnic food. BookBurners prevents these items from polluting your personal space. You can’t prevent schools from inundating your children with white privilege propaganda. But you can stop this in your home. Let BookBurners expunge toxic ideas in your life.
Jewdar—As Kanye West reminded us, it’s time to stop Jewish people from owning and controlling the world. There are Jewish lawyers, accountants, doctors and businessmen. How do you keep them out of your life? Jewdar’s an app that offers a radar device detecting when a Jew is within 20 feet. Simply download the app, place your phone at the entrance to your home or business and wait for the Jew alarm to go off. You’ll be surprised how many times the alarm dings each day. (Jews are everywhere.) The app maker will soon offer Gaydar as well.
Dumbass—It’s hard being the dumbest person in the room. You can educate yourself and become smarter, but this is so boring and time consuming. Wouldn’t it be easier to have an idiot around? Dumbass allows you to rent a moron for a day. You can take him to parties, office gatherings or special events. There’s no better way to look smart than being around someone who’s dumb. This is guaranteed to make your own intelligence quotient skyrocket. Why get smarter when you can let others be dumber?
Armed and Adorable—Turn your pet into a gun-packing weapon. Imagine you’re away from home and you receive a Smart Phone alert that your house is being robbed. This app allows you to fight back with the help of your dog or cat. A .22 caliber gun is affixed to your pet’s collar. With the help of a small camera and electrodes attached to the animal’s back legs, you can see what’s going on inside your home and control your animal’s movements with a digital joy stick. Press a few buttons and Fluffy becomes a violent killing machine. Don’t let the thugs win. (The maker will soon introduce a new version suitable for babies as well.)
Radiate—Instacart and other shopping apps are a great way to avoid grocery stores and all those lowlifes who work in markets. But there’s still one link on the shopping chain that could taint your groceries. The Instacart shopper himself. Who knows where that person has been. Before he picked your vegetables he might have used the bathroom without washing his hands. Radiate is a new app that emits a low dose of radiation from your phone on to your groceries. It’s completely safe, like a food X-Ray. It’s your choice. Live with strange dirty hands on your apples or use a cleansing dose of radiation to kill the germs on your food.
Cyrano—Imagine running into your boss at a restaurant or seeing your dream girl at a bar. There’s nothing worse than meeting an important person and not knowing what to say. With this new app, you enter a few code words into your phone (“blonde, beautiful”), put in an earbud and let Cyrano tell you what to say. (“I’m about to adopt a shelter puppy but I don’t know which one to choose. Can I get your advice?”) There’s no need to be creative anymore. Let Cyrano do it for you.
Pronoun Aide—He/Him, She/Her, We/Us. Aren’t you tired of worrying about using the wrong pronouns in the world? Pronoun Aide turns the tables on the woke community. Instead of them confusing us with their pronoun babble, we now get to confuse them. Imagine entering a Starbucks with a lapel sticker reading Aught/Naught. Or telling your McDonald’s server to refer to you as Whichever/Whatever.
BlameATrans—Modern life is confusing and difficult to navigate. Wouldn’t it be easier to pin all the world’s problems on a convenient scapegoat? This is where BlameATrans comes in. Few know any Trans people. But we do know the Trans Agenda is at fault for society’s ills. With BlameATrans, you can access specific talking points for any situation. Why is our economy going through a recession? Because we’re wasting time on gay marriage. Why is there so much unemployment? Because transgenders are getting all the good jobs. This app reminds us that you don’t have to be right, you just have to get the last word.